Confidence

 Confidence is not skipping mirrors and glasses when passing by. Neither it is not being jealous of one's partner because one thinks they are the best ever.  Confidence is trust in one's path being the best for them, including the losses and betrayals, the wasted efforts and not appreciated endeavors. Confidence is being calm that the tunnel ends in a light, and there are some torches on the way in and out. Confidence is not being afraid to die, and having the security to accept every day as it comes, with whatever it brings its way.

Confidence is what can't be taught by school. Nor is it possible to achieve it by a mental training or physical education. Confidence is an innate belief system, an unquestionable faith in the Universe functioning properly, and people always getting what they have earned.

Don't claim yourself responsible

From my heart-to-heart conversations I have figures out that it is not only me who regularly overtakes too much on their shoulders and regrets stepping it pretty soon. This may be a daughter-in-law wanting to help her husband's family, a cousin offering her help to go stay with her cousin for a night not to be home alone, or a colleague offering to work that extra hour without the supervisor even considering to ask for a favor. I won't remember who said this, but that's so true :" Don't ask money from rich people, since they will give it without your asking". Yes, people eagerly shared what they have in abundance - money, time, care, gossip.

My friend and I often remind each other of the importance to not step in unless requested. AS we share our heartbreaks, we continue being our true selves every time we see we may be of service, and we claim responsibility for something totally unnecessary, an extra burden, an unappreciated favor. But why is it that we still continue showering people with the care they perceive as control and claim responsibility for things that should not even intertwine with our routine? 

Maybe poor upbringing skills of our parents or our endless crave to be of use, to be of service, not to be taken for granted. But the matter of fact is, that paradoxically, all the people, even angels like you and me, do not appreciate what they did not ask for. Alas!

The unsaid, the said, and the in-between

 Whether we have expressed ourselves or no, we still hesitate if it had been the right thing to do. Our upbringing and education mess up with what the life coaches and psychologists advise us to do. We regret for what is said, we feel trapped with what still rests unsaid, and the in-betweens tear us apart with mood swings, relationship devaluation and fear of further commitment. The books and Netflix series we are exposed to shape our mental health  and value system in one way, while our family nurturing and schooling do not always go hand by hand. We have been encouraged to act in a modest and confident manner, but those traits do not seem to serve us when it comes to promotion at work, one's family respecting their wishes and needs and one's own cravings in life and dreams. 

As a child, my mother would always praise me when I kept silent and did not talk back to people who verbally attacked me. I always felt insecure about exposing myself to the family and friends because they would constantly build tension and I would always feel at least low-key insecure and disrespected. It is now that I stand at the threshold of having my own kids that I feel inner criticism towards my mother's parenting. I do not blame her, never. She had her reasons and justifications, her life experience and education in and outside home instilling some values. Had I not had the chance to boast access to high quality education and high value insights spreading teachers, I would not have ended up with the conclusion that psychological health, first and foremost violated in childhood, shapes whole our lives. I would not see the causes of our physical symptoms in our mental disorders and traumas. 

In case we are on speaking terms, you might have noticed my voice problems these couple of years. Needless to say, I have done my minute research and carried out my field trip to a doctor, as well as talked to my close friends about the reasons - well yes, tap water, ice cream and soda, you name it, but I lose my voice after every occurrence of me "losing my voice". I know my physical malfunctioning is a direct result of my not saying what I want to the people I want to say it when I should, and yet, every following time, I prefer to keep it unsaid than said and sacrifice my voice rather than hurt people with the truth. 

Now you tell me, is it better to have it said or unsaid?

Keep your thoughts to yourself

 I have been working on this for the recent time - we do not need to express our thoughts to everyone and always. Maybe this is something you all knew and told be, but i never actually got it until I ended up here myself - people will not always understand us, be open to digest what we offer and not judge.  

Another thing I have been paying attention to is how easily things work out for me when I do not share my plans and achievements with people. In fact, I had been reading about keeping our thoughts about intentions to ourselves for a while, but it was days ago that I landed on the destination of having achieved or accidentally given something I truly deserved, even if not worked very hard for. And then, at the moment of glory and fulfillment, it is really challenging not to brag and share, but silently savoring one's moment of achievement and success is priceless. 

Another thing I noticed is how nice it felt when the outcome actually exceeds my expectations. Having been an unbearable optimist for three decades I came to realize it is not always good to be an optimist. When I headed to Stepanavan with old tires, being convinced they would either just become flat or explode somewhere between Fioletovo and Shahumyan, imagine my surprise when i amde it to the parking in our yard safe and sound.

Go your way

 I was headed to the sport club for my badminton game, just like every Sunday. I always take the Heratsi road with because it is free and smooth. But today I decided to buy good bread for my mother and took the Abovyan road to stop near Bagette and get some. First, I parked near the church and was deeply convinced it was the junction of Abovyan and Sayat-Nova, not Toumanyan where one shop was located. So I park the car, quite parallel and properly, and leave it, and cross the street just to find out it was not the location of the shop I needed. Well, I sat and drove to the next junction, near the target, to find there is of course no police to squeeze my white horse. And this is when I quickly fastened my seat belt to drive on and stop at the other branch around Republic Square. Do you think this was a good idea? Well, it was, indeed. Just before I got to Vazgen Sargsyan street to find the police closed the street for a crazy bike ride and I have literally no access to the shop. All I had to do was to go back to my usual road to orange fitness with disappointment and failed attempts to do something good, and yet unasked. 

Moral of the story. 

Did I do what I wanted? No.

Was it a good idea to take another road, even if to please my dearest person? No.

How did I feel? Wasted.

Having said this, it is not a bad idea to always take the same route and go your own way, the old and good way, and then maybe you won't even be bothered by not parking in parallel streets and ways blocked road works, bike tournaments and the police.

Faking it

 It starts with hair dye. You are a rebellious teenager and decide to dye your hair because you want to. of course, your parents oppose it, because " it's not time yet", " you will regret", " my mother didn't allow me". Then you notice your body and nose do not meet the expectations of instagram and tik tok, and you start craving what you do not need- the image they entangle us with. everyone does gel nail polish nowadays. Everyone wears the trendy jewelry and holds the most recent model of iphone. Everyone has a lunch with girls downtown. 

And then you are slightly past thirty, stuck in the opposite of body positive, secretly homophobic, slightly overweight, secretly still in love with your ex, and the first grey hair start popping up. Did i mention extremely thin and uneven nails as a side effect of gel polish once in 21 days? And then you realize you don't enjoy the cigarettes that smell like cherries, nor the wines that taste like plum. The red velvet and tiramisu fail at making you happy too. You do not want to travel now because go to new places seems an escape from your current life that you do not want to make. 

Voila. You have been faking it for so long and for so many reasons that you forgot whether you liked bitter coffee because your family did or because you had weight issues. You also forgot whether you broke up with your first love because he led to it or because you had no idea what was it that you desired.

And all you want to do is grab your favorite old laptop that takes years to load, make a strong coffee (of course, no sugar) and sit and ponder over your past and present, future and dreams with only one thought: " I have been waiting for the time to come, but it is just going"!

Bitchiness

I did not notice when, but now I know exaclty why we have gotten our current moral values. We go to places we do not really like, we buy gadgets and clothes that are not really comfortable for us to impress people who just don't care. People with botoxed faces and filled bottoms leave the impression of being so careless and look and behave so contentless that the younger generation does not have role models to follow. 

When I said I know why, I meant it. People do not know how to take care of themselves. They are not taught it. They have always been well groomed, but not a single trauma was ever worked on and soothed. Our parents, mines for sure, failed to teach us self-care. As a result, we have a generation of people with Saturn in Capricorn (coudn't help) who know how to earn money, but don't know where to direct it. We have middle aged single mothers who are proud but unhappy, we have handsome young men looking for satisfaction but ending up feeling useless and used. We have people scared of commitment and care. People avoid care. They dread care. Because when we care we get attached. Attachment is perceived as addiction and weakness nowadays. Social media advertises bitchiness. It is trendy to be a bitch. It is not trendy to be human. It is not cool to be empathic and loving, attentive and vulnerable.

For the sake of self defense and in response to childhood traumas some women have opted for the mask of a bitch, who seems invincible and strong, but who needs a proper hug from a real men to melt into a jelly. Our selfless granmothers are giving in to our bitchy granddaughers. I don't want my granddaughter to be a bitch. I want her to be open to love, able to give and take care. I want her to look at bitches and see how exactly she should not be. I wholeheartedly believe she will be rick in soul enough to let herself be vulnerable and truly authentic. 

I did not go into defining the word bitch here because it's clear I do not mean the female dog ;-)