I don't want to tell you my dramas and worries, I do not care what you had before me, and who you loved. I will not ask you questions and have expectations, I will just be there with you and for you.
I will watch you sleep and kiss after shave. I will cook you soups and pack you healthy lunch boxes.  I will dance with you at some parties, and check you out at family gatherings when sitting far. I will watch you work and fuel you with coffee. I will be silent with you. I will not talk, just sit there. I will watch you smoke and drive you home after your drunk men parties. I will choose presents for your parents and pay utilities for our home. I will send you notes and hold your arm when we walk. We will watch films and share insights. I will lick your old wounds and ask no questions. I will understand you and admire you.  I will look at our kids and adore how they look like you. We will go to gym together and swim parallelly. And we will be happy, the way we have earned it. And people will look at us and say," How similar to each other you are, what a good match you make". And you will squeeze my hand and close your eyes. Because we have seen this coming. Long before it happened.

I miss you

I miss you. I miss how you look at me. I miss how you get shy when I give you my long looks. I miss your physical existence near me. I miss the calming you bring. I miss the way you feel me and fill me.

I don’t care who was or what was before me, I just care about healing your wounds and soothing your anger. Because you are the best possible. You have read more books in English than me. And you know people’s souls and you love life. I admire you.

I love when you feel me, when you send me that rare song I was listening to and accosiatong it with you. I need you. I need you now. I have come to You, it needed to be You. I was coming to you through all my days.

I miss you. 

To My Man

The light of my eyes, my counselor, my motivator, my DJ, my advisor, from the moment I met you all the darkness turned into light. I knew it was You. I just felt it. And how could I not fall for someone who had read more English books than me, who loved cinnamon and smoking, who drove after me the first time we met and gave me that look of "That's my girl". How could I not fall for the one who brought me his open box of cinna tea when he learnt I loved cinna?! How could I not for the one who admired me from the first sight and till now?! How could I not fall the one who shares my dreams, my taste, my heart?!

I know our life will be good, because we really match - you love coconut, and I love cinna. You love coffee, and I love it, too. You are the opposite of me, and the continuation of me at the same time. And we always understand each other. And you soothe me, darling. I said darling, and I remembered how I love when you call me dear or Ann. I don't like when people call me not my full name, but the way you utter A N N, the way your eyes shine, the way your mouth curves, the way your long fingers grasp mines...I am helpless.

I want you to know that from the first day I met you which was end of March 2017, and up to the present day I have been in love with you, I have been under you spell...willingly...happily...gratefully

The other half

Unfinished romance. Connection of souls. Nothing matters, though. The feelings are the same. You cannot sleep in the middle of night and you think of the other person. And you dance or drink or eat and accidentally you remember the other half and a mig sadness hat comes sits over you covering even your kidney and liver. And then you just feel like a doll. Stop communicating but remember each other in most awkward moments. The other man. The other secret life. They know the true each other. Loads of looks, little talk. Problems with demons. Unexplained attraction due to unexpressed desires and words. Not forgiving each other. Hoping the other understands the untold. 

There are moments you had, thinks you did, that are too sacred to be repeated. You are even afraid to remember because you are afraid it might hurt your past. And you tell no one about this half, and the secrets you shared.  T

You have spent very little time together, and still, it was so good, so special. And the most important thing is to stop there, leave all as it is.And keep this. For a life. To cry over films and songs.

Expectations

expectations are good
You live for something. Something can make you happy, satisfied, good. Expectations make you wake up in the morning, expectations make you go to gym or parties. Expectations are good, very good, unless they are connected with the people in your life.

#MoralityRules The good, the bad, and the balance

It was a beautiful July evening. Golden apricot was in the city. I left the cinema and rushed to the car. Still under the influence of the film, I was quite in two minds whether it was smarter to walk or drive in the small center. Of course, I chose the second. Of course, the first option was the right one. Well, my friends were waiting for me in the cafe where they could not find a place (my city is known for the abundance of fancy cafes which are always fully booked, even on a Tuesday evening), and this made my curve for parking more stressful. I don't know why I decided to try the yard around Cascade (lame idea, do not repeat). I found myself trapped between the truck in front, the jeep behind which had comfortably squeezed to the right letting me pass in case I succeeded in a one-lane yard. I had no other way but turn around and in doing this hit the car parked near the wall and left a beautiful curvy dent on the driver's wing. And I managed to turn around and leave, and in this one minisecond when I was thinking about my car, his car, my friends, the drivers watching the show, Satan whispered to my ear " Just drive on". But my legs were far from my ears, and I was already writing my phone number and name on the fancy pink sticker (I always keep with me to leave romantic notes to dirvers) and leaving it on the dented car owner's windshield under the gaze of drivers whose face said "Is she stupid or what?!", or at least I thought so.
And I knew I did the right thing. I called my friend to see how much my damage might cost me, and spent the night calculating my spending so I can afford paying my damage and dreading the call I will get in the morning. And now the guy called to say "thank you for not running away, for respecting my car and me, I imagine the situation, I am a driver, too, I understand you. And when I saw your number and what you did I knew what exactly I would say when I called. So thank you. And I work in Cascade, please let me treat  you with something small next time you pass by". He wholeheartedly ignored my requests to bear my deserved financial responsibility, and kept on taking care of my car asking if I had damaged it a lot. I told this to my friends who were merely shocked. They are always bewildered when I tell how people treat me.
 So the moral of the story is quite obvious. This story left a bigger impression on me especially after last week's police officers fining me and apologizing for doing so. I don't know if my world is different than that of yours, but in my world people notice, people respect, people appreciate, people value. And thanks for that!
P.S. a 9K penalty for speeding just arrived, which makes me feel good (I will pay off to life, if not the driver whose car I damaged, and it is normal, it is fair. Life is fair).
#MoralityRules

Some happy moments

It was a beautiful Saturday evening, and I was on my way home. I had spent the day enjoying myself at the pool, and the evening around a hearty chat with a friend. Now he was driving me home, and I felt happy. I felt happy because I was not the pne to drive, also because I went up the car sunroof and opened my arms. Now I will love Komitas avenue, because that is where I felt the moment. It Felt amazing. Then I bent my head on the seat and was looking at the sky through the open sunroof till we got to my building. I remembered our conversation and my conviction that true love happens and sucks)) I remembered my conversations with my best trio  friends today and how much I love them notwithstanding any obstacle. I remembered the achievements and losses I have had in my life...and I felt happy.In a second faces of all the people I loved mixed in one, and stared at me. I felt happy for myself, I felt proud of myself. I stopped giving fucks to things that did not deseve ones. Whiskey did its job- I felt happy. And the crazy friend singing to the song, and the moments of very honest sharings.

Some happy moments happen.

Just a human

I am listening to the song you played in your car the first time you were taking me to my workplace. And you were singing along. I was suprised you actually knew the lyrics. And your singing along meant you were really relaxed with me beside you, and wanted to still impress me. Well, I was already well impressed.
I am listening to the song and smiling like an idiot. I recall your profile look, your beautiful chiseled nose and chin, and your plump lips that were sore after the drink and cigarettes we shared. You could not keep your eyes of me when I asked for your cigarette, and you actually closed your lashswith enjoyment when you were holding the lighter beneath my nose. "It damn suits you", you said, and your eyes flashed even brighter.
How beautifully nervous you get when I read your mind every single step of our way. How you say you bless the day you met me. How we drink and drive together competing who is a worse driver. How I smell your chest and neck and save your brew under my eyelashes. I love how you aolve my problems, I admire how you admire me. And it is so cute when we met and you say " Damn you, everything turned out the way you said". And I love that you actually think I am a Witch, because only a Witch can feel you so well and make you love her so unconditionally.
Well, I am not. I am just a human, like your song says.

Routine

Work heals, lessons heal, routine heals...
I was just checking another bundle of quizzes, when the Youtube accidentally played our song, the song of my university love and me...I ignored it first, resisted for a while, then put the green pen down, and sat back. I feel nothing. I am friends with Him now, friends like friends, friends like we talk about our separate personal lives, friends like we chat occasionally and it feels fine, friends like we apologized and Love is gone, friends like He is the walls I can lean on whenever...What a bitch time actually is. It washes away all...the good...the bad...all...the valueless becomes valuable, and irreplaceablea become forgotten...with time...by time...by routine....Right was Lennon when saying life is what haooens to us while we make plans...I was planning to do drama, I was planning to be an emotional woman, but I ended up going back to My Ice Queen Bitchiness, routine did it to me...again...Still, routine rocks...Routine arranges, puts the books in their drawers! Routine cleanses itself, like a lazy warm fed cat!