22.06.2019

Best friendship Or Boomerang effect

I don’t believe in the institution of friendship, and you know it.
I don’t believe in friendship, and yet “friendly” is the first word people use to describe me.
Well, friendship is a tricky business- recessions are unpredictable, investments are never fare from all stakeholders, shareholders forget their responsibilities, consumers and clients benefit more than owners at times, and I am carried away by my entrepreneurship lessons...
So, a funny thing. All I ever input in my best friendships that always died started to come back to me and at me like a big fat iron boomerang once I decided I have completely fucked up all my best friendships and I gave up on this religion. And seriously, all I ever did, actually started to be done towards me. And yay, that feels awesome. I am still skeptical and wary, but damn it, life is indeed a boomerang. And since I am so frozen at the moment, I am afraid of what is gonna come back to me later. Or is this me returning some boomerangs? I don’t know.
I just know that things started to get repeated towards me with every minute detail included. And I see and hear life talking to me, actually talking to me through people, through books, through songs, through random people’s random words.
I was a good friend for a couple. And now a couple of really other and unexpected people turn out to be really good and even(I stopped and took a breath before texting the next word) best friends who actually care for my needs and make me happy because it makes them happy to make me happy. Am I sober!? I should be on Sunday early  morning and in my heaven Dilijan.


I don’t know what will happen next, but I know one thing for sure, and I have been through it for many many times- Life is a boomerang, and be good, be moral, be loving- if not from those you expect, it will come back to you at the right time and from the right people to heal your wounds! We don’t choose parents, we choose friends- this is what my mom says. But I have to add an asterisk here-We do choose friends, but they validate us. I was really surprised by how my friends behaved on my birthday- “eye opening” would be the right word here!

20.06.2019

Hello,30, or be brave

I am starting the thirtieth year of my current life tonight. I am putting together the gains and losses of the previous year. I am trying to wrap up all thoughts. And guess what? I end up citing facebook fancy photo captions. This was the most challenging and the most rewarding year so far. I lost people, both literally and figuratively, and I gained people, both literally and figuratively. Now I want to write the points of wisdom insights I have gotten during my 29th year to look back later and remind myself.
1. It was this year that I met the men I thought I needed to understand how I should not humble my expectations, decrease my standards, adapt for weaker men because I saw strong men who were there for me in the most unexpected ways. There was an incidence when one looked me in the eyes and slapped me with all my weaknesses which are gift wrapped in my false confidence and serves to the world. And I loved it. And I accepted it.

2. It was this year that I literally kicked and let people out of my life because they were not the friends I thought they were. Till then I had been inventing reasons for their disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. But this year people showed me that I can be loved and appreciated without “earning” it and just being my natural self, me crazy, changeable, but loving and caring cute self.
3. It was this year I prioritized myself over the world. For the first time. I chose myself above all and everything. Osho is right. Only after choosing to love me I realized how to love people. My opting for my own needs I evaluated people around me in a different, more healthy way. Previously I thought love is sacrifice. Now I know, Love is comfort.
4. It was this year that for the zillionth time I saw how cheap, disrespectful, afraid, dumb people can be. And I learnt to be okay with it. I learned not to preach my morale, but to accept. Acceptance is such a blessing. Acceptance gives freedom to us.
5. It was this year that for the third time I confirmed to myself that I am doing the right job for me. I love my job. It makes me happy. It makes me feel useful. I would never have changed my profession if I could. My job gives me the satisfaction to fight jealousy and meanness.
6. It was this year that I mastered the subtle art of not giving fuck and the even subtler art of shutting up. I am especially proud of the last one. Keeping silent when you want to scream. Keeping silent when tons of bullshit are streamed towards you: what can be more powerful?
7. It was this year that I forgave my parents. I know, sounds stupid. But I am deeply convinced we should be brave to understand our parents and accept their will, respect and love them the way they need, not the way we want or we can. Our relationship with our parents comes above all, even our relationship with ourselves, because we started, as creatures, from them, with them, by them, via them, through them, thanks to them...and how can we settle any other relationship once we do not have it settled with the ultimate relationship- parents-kids!
8. It was this year I realized, I felt and I allowed myself not to be an option. I am a choice and I am a priority, but I am never an option, and I will try my best to make sure people who I care for get this. If I choose you, you need to choose me. If no, I should be wise enough to look around and notice people who chose and silently love us.
9. It was this year that I started to spend money on myself. Loads. And I fucking enjoy it.
10. It was this year that I saw again how fair life is and how everyone gets  what they have earned- Be it an exam result, relationship or health. I thought a lot about health, by the way. I started to take care of my health and I analyzed deeply my health concerns and figured out why I have each and every. Health is the reflection of our heart and soul. We should take a proper care.
11. It was this year that I realized how brave I should be to accept people the way they are, not the way I hope they are, and even braver, to accept myself. Self- awareness is an important thing. When we understand ourselves we start noticing others.
12. It was this year I proved once again that people notice stuff without us pointing at it, can be our diligent work noticed by the boss or our silent care noticed by a friend. Nothing goes unnoticed, fortunately.

16.06.2019

Give and take

Every good relationship is a matter of give and take, and if it is just give or just take, it is bound to end at a point, and the earlier the better. We usually crystallize our beloved people and make up excuses when they simply treat us wrong, but we should stop any unhealthy relationship which makes us feel unappreciated, unrecognized, unfulfilled. 
If a friend does not call us it is not because the friend is super busy, it is because we are not a priority at the moment, and that is fine.
If our romantic partner does not buy for us presents and organize surprises it is okay, and it is fine they do not want us.
It is us who let them treat us that way.
It is us that made them used to treating us that way.
They call us high maintenance or blame for our high expectations but they never fail to get from us what they want. It is we who feels bad to claim what is ours by our right of devotion and care and invested feelings.
When the balance of give and take it somehow not fair, it is okay to take ourselves and step out of a relationship that does not make us feel good but which leaves us wasted and used. It is okay to quit when the people we love don’t love us the way we want them. And when we give up it is not because we stopped loving them, but because our instinct of self-care doesn’t let us continue the unhealthy relationship.
Every good relationship is a matter of five and take. And once the parties involved stop investing, it’s okay to withdraw.
This photo is illegally posted here

11.01.2019

What is love? Baby, hurt me...

A friend of mine once asked me " Is love a real thing? Have you ever experienced it?" We were not very close back then, or I was afraid, so I said " Well, maybe, I don't know. Maybe people created it to give mening to otherwise meaningless life they have".
I came back to the person after two months and told out of the blue " Do you remember once you asked me about love? And I was not sincere with you. I want to tell you now that Love does exist and I have experienced it". And to his bewilderment I continued to share all the true destinguishing traits of love. Love is uncontrollable. We just pick someone who we allow to hurt us endlessly...Love is sacrifice, a chosen, acknowledged, controlled, willing sacrifice. You know the person does all the wrong things, but you accept it, deal with it, love with it, love through it. Love is letting people see the true us - vulnerable, insecure. Love is timeless, sexless. Love is a soul connection. Love has many faces. Love is in details. Love is Life. It needs time to realize what Love is. I have plenty to do. But one thing I know now is that love is hurt. I don't mean it brings pain and all the stuff songs and movies are about. I mean love is hurting the person  you love more than anyone, and accepting, dealing with maximum hurt from the person who loves you.
Also, love is noticing. Noticing the bow tie you brought for your friend that he wears on a special occasion, love is buying the ticket for a play next to your friend when they don't expect it, love is a friend cooking your favorite thing every time they can make it, love is buying flowers, love is buying warm clothes and cold ice cream, love is wearing that bracelet your love gave you and smiling when looking at it every time. Love is brawling over who is taking who home. Love is listening to that song, and singing this one together. Love is lighting each other's cigarettes and breaking them when there  are too many of them. Love is long talks and short walks. Love is practical, very very practical.

15.10.2018

Now live with it... know that you let me pass by you and never called back
Now deal with it... think much about trust, about pain, about lies and forgive yourself
for not being what I saw in you, what I wanted to find inside. 

Go on, leave with it. Take your hurt, take your guts, let me shine.


24.09.2018

I take my heart with me and go,
I am not up for your childish drama,
I hold my head straight up and go,
Though I know you are my life karma.

You tire me with disrespect,
with inability to take, accept,
your endless sources of tease and hurt,
your jealousy and walls you built.

I am analyzing all I said,
 and all you gave me in response,
You are older, but still not there yet,
 where you see good, come grab and go.

What is your issue? Where’s your wound?
I am tired of waiting for commitment.
Maybe I should take my heart and go,
You just don’t need me at this moment.





18.09.2018

Love is all we need

"Love is all we need" is what my cousin's arm tattoo and the Beatles' song say. Love is, indeed, all we need...all we need to be whole.
When someone is aggressive, when someone starts to do drama, when someone "barks around", when someone hurts people, says nasty things, does nasty stuff...it is all from the lack of love. Because, as to me, a person who is whole with their inner peace, who has love inside, enough love, cannot produce anything but kind. So every time someone I care for is angry or argumentative, this person gets love from me in return. They also get a shock. Because when they are up for an argument, they expect me to fight back, but get softness, care and love in return.
Well, I have not always been so cunning. Previously, not long ago, I also lacked love, and I was starting to cause arguments and drama and all, too. And then I found my love. accidentally...just someone loved me, truly. And it was an eye-opening experience. This person gave me all I needed- Love, the Love my former friends never gave, the Love my father failed to give, the Love I myself failed to sense. And then I was left alone, in the middle of the night, in the centre of Vayots dzor with this enormous love inside. I was unable to fight it. it was too big, too sincere. I had to surrender. And I gave in, the best rapture ever. Back then I was not mature enough to realize what had happened to me- I was conquered with Love. All forgiving Love.
And then I opened my heart and started to love everyone who hurt, everyone who bit, everyone who craved attention and fulfillment. Because we all need Love to heal, and Love is all we need.
The Sun cannot give anything but warmth, well, and too much warmth, a stroke. But the Sun cannot give you Cold, it is not build so.
People are built to recycle Love, and trust me, if everyone could remember how much they actually love the people they argue with, the Earth would be a much better place. People who love don't argue, they leak love, they spread love, and they know that Love is all we need. All we need to be whole.
Thank you forever, my special one, for healing my wounds, for making me feel all I did. And I truly hope you never read this, because you always called me cheesy and drama queen, and that is what I actually am, but with a lot of Love inside, all reciprocated by you.