The unsaid, the said, and the in-between

 Whether we have expressed ourselves or no, we still hesitate if it had been the right thing to do. Our upbringing and education mess up with what the life coaches and psychologists advise us to do. We regret for what is said, we feel trapped with what still rests unsaid, and the in-betweens tear us apart with mood swings, relationship devaluation and fear of further commitment. The books and Netflix series we are exposed to shape our mental health  and value system in one way, while our family nurturing and schooling do not always go hand by hand. We have been encouraged to act in a modest and confident manner, but those traits do not seem to serve us when it comes to promotion at work, one's family respecting their wishes and needs and one's own cravings in life and dreams. 

As a child, my mother would always praise me when I kept silent and did not talk back to people who verbally attacked me. I always felt insecure about exposing myself to the family and friends because they would constantly build tension and I would always feel at least low-key insecure and disrespected. It is now that I stand at the threshold of having my own kids that I feel inner criticism towards my mother's parenting. I do not blame her, never. She had her reasons and justifications, her life experience and education in and outside home instilling some values. Had I not had the chance to boast access to high quality education and high value insights spreading teachers, I would not have ended up with the conclusion that psychological health, first and foremost violated in childhood, shapes whole our lives. I would not see the causes of our physical symptoms in our mental disorders and traumas. 

In case we are on speaking terms, you might have noticed my voice problems these couple of years. Needless to say, I have done my minute research and carried out my field trip to a doctor, as well as talked to my close friends about the reasons - well yes, tap water, ice cream and soda, you name it, but I lose my voice after every occurrence of me "losing my voice". I know my physical malfunctioning is a direct result of my not saying what I want to the people I want to say it when I should, and yet, every following time, I prefer to keep it unsaid than said and sacrifice my voice rather than hurt people with the truth. 

Now you tell me, is it better to have it said or unsaid?