Now live with it... know that you let me pass by you and never called back

Now deal with it... think much about trust, about pain, about lies and forgive yourself

for not being what I saw in you, what I wanted to find inside. 

Go on, leave with it. Take your hurt, take your guts, let me shine.

I take my heart with me and go,

I am not up for your childish drama,

I hold my head straight up and go,

Though I know you are my life karma.

You tire me with disrespect,

with inability to take, accept,

your endless sources of tease and hurt,

your jealousy and walls you built.

I am analyzing all I said,

 and all you gave me in response,

You are older, but still not there yet,

 where you see good, come grab and go.

What is your issue? Where’s your wound?

I am tired of waiting for commitment.

Maybe I should take my heart and go,

You just don’t need me at this moment.

Love is all we need

"Love is all we need" is what my cousin's arm tattoo and the Beatles' song say. Love is, indeed, all we need...all we need to be whole.
When someone is aggressive, when someone starts to do drama, when someone "barks around", when someone hurts people, says nasty things, does nasty stuff...it is all from the lack of love. Because, as to me, a person who is whole with their inner peace, who has love inside, enough love, cannot produce anything but kind. So every time someone I care for is angry or argumentative, this person gets love from me in return. They also get a shock. Because when they are up for an argument, they expect me to fight back, but get softness, care and love in return.
Well, I have not always been so cunning. Previously, not long ago, I also lacked love, and I was starting to cause arguments and drama and all, too. And then I found my love. accidentally...just someone loved me, truly. And it was an eye-opening experience. This person gave me all I needed- Love, the Love my former friends never gave, the Love my father failed to give, the Love I myself failed to sense. And then I was left alone, in the middle of the night, in the centre of Vayots dzor with this enormous love inside. I was unable to fight it. it was too big, too sincere. I had to surrender. And I gave in, the best rapture ever. Back then I was not mature enough to realize what had happened to me- I was conquered with Love. All forgiving Love.
And then I opened my heart and started to love everyone who hurt, everyone who bit, everyone who craved attention and fulfillment. Because we all need Love to heal, and Love is all we need.
The Sun cannot give anything but warmth, well, and too much warmth, a stroke. But the Sun cannot give you Cold, it is not build so.
People are built to recycle Love, and trust me, if everyone could remember how much they actually love the people they argue with, the Earth would be a much better place. People who love don't argue, they leak love, they spread love, and they know that Love is all we need. All we need to be whole.
Thank you forever, my special one, for healing my wounds, for making me feel all I did. And I truly hope you never read this, because you always called me cheesy and drama queen, and that is what I actually am, but with a lot of Love inside, all reciprocated by you.

Lifetalk

Have you ever heard Life talking to you? Through radio...via TV...or the book you are reading...might be the illness you have...maybe the movie you are watching...or most randomly, through people and conditions.
Sometimes you want to do something, you try hard, but it just fails. And the universe does not support you, though you wanted with all your heart. Credits to Coelho.
And then it just happened. Though you did not crave for it. You were simply ripe enough, you were merely ready.
It is an inner harmony we strive for, and then it comes, sits on our eyes and hopefully stays.
Sometimes you head off somewhere, and all the traffic lights are red, and the streets are jammed, and the air is stiff. And on other occasions you find parking on Abovyan at 3.00 P.M. on a weekday. Just because Life wants you to do what you are doing- and everything is easy breezy, every obstacle just evaporates.
And some people are just obstacles, they seem our destination, but they ain't even transportation to get where we are meant to end up. And there are fuel-people, who appreciate, who push us to be better, who give us the air in the bones. And it is so right with them, just right is how you feel.
The right comes with perfect timing. Life knows better. It talks wiser. It prompts softer. We need to listen when Life talks.

I love the smell of cigarettes from your fingers,
I love the way your eyes soothe any pain.
I see the way you calm my beasts and dramas,
I watch my words open your heart wider.

You call me special, you see through all my heartbreaks,
And still there is no pressure, there’s no trauma.

He is exactly what I wanted him to be-
His smile, his wit, his tie, his lips.
He has projected all I craved to see-
The strength, the ethics, the morality.

He makes me feel mature, he makes me move
From where I am to where I wanna be.
He is like me - forever learning new,
He has the truth I always want to see.

He meets my highest expectations without trying,
He holds my future full of fun and crying.
He is the face I saw in dream once,
He is my man with who I am up to dance.

You are the sand on the coast.
I dip my fingers into it, I feel it, and then it is gone, nothing in my palm.
You give me a love like electricity.
You lighten me, you burn me, and then you leave me in the darkness of routine without you.

You are like some wine with ice, a good dry rose with ice.
You freshen me, just for a moment, to leave me in heat waves and sweat.
You are the chocolate in the morning of diet cheat day,
I crave you, but I am afraid of the pleasure being momentary and short.

You are like parking downtown on a weekend-
Might be loads, might be none- never know.
You are like an open-air swimming pool on an August day
Just too close, too available, still nowhere.

Ինձնով ոգեշնչված մի պոեմ գրես,
Ու երբեք ոչ ոքի ցույց չտաս:
Ինձ երգեր, շատ տողեր դու ձոնես,
Բայց գաղտնի, քեզ համար դու պահես:

Մի լարված երկուշաբթի լինի, հենց գործիդ ժամանակ
Ցասումդ, պրոբլեմդ իմ անունով փակես:
Ինձ հիշես, հանդարտվես, խախանդվես,
Սիրտդ թեթւանա, հայացքդ պսպղա:

Մի ուրբաթ իրիկուն էլ գործից տուն գալիս լինես,
Ճամփեն ազատ լինի, միտքդ հանգիստ լինի,
Ինձ հիշես ու ժպտաս, աչքիցդ մի պեծ ընկնի,
Ու ղեկդ ամուր սեղմես ու հոգսդ ուսիցդ ընկնի:

Ես քե հարցերի պատասխանը լինեմ,
Էդ մի հատ պակասող էակդ լինեմ,
Լինեմ հասարակ, բոլորի նման լինեմ,
Բայց քեզ բավական, քեզ հերիք լինեմ:

----
Դու իմ սպասածից էլ լավն ես. ես քեզ հարցեր չունեմ,
Դու իսկական, հոգատար ես, ես էլ` ձևեր չունեմ,
Դու ինձ սանձող փոթորիկն ես. ինձ հանդարտեցնում, սփոփում ես,
Ինձ էնքան նման ու տարբեր ես. մեկ-մեկ ոնց որ երկու կես լինենք:

Ես քո մտքերի պատասխանն եմ, քո անցած սերերի ուրվականն եմ ես,

Քո ուժը ամրացնող ու թուլությունը գրկողն եմ ես,
Չեմ հարցնի, չեմ տանջի, չեմ վազի, չեմ թողնի քեզ,
Կնայեմ, կփայլեմ, քեզ համար սիրուն կլինեմ միշտ ես:

Ինձ գրկես, թուլանամ: Քեզ գրկեմ ամրանամ:
Ինձ նայես, լիանաս: Քեզ նայեմ, դատարկվեմ:
Ես ապրեմ ինձ համար, քո կողքին ապրեմ ես:
Ինձ լռեցնող, ինձ սաստող, իմ ուզած ժայռն ես,
Քեզ բախվեմ, հանդարտվեմ:Դու խոսես, ես լսեմ:
Քեզ լսողն եմ ես:

I have found the love of my life

I have found the love of my life..or better lives...or whatever. I have found it.
It took me a couple of frogs, a couple of prince charmings, a couple of knights, and a couple of horses. Friends can break your heart, too. Why did I start this?
Ah, yes, it took me a lot to find the love of my life. Though I knew this was gonna happen, and I was gonna find the perfect relationship I was handmade for, the one and only truly appreciative feeling. It took me heartbreaks- equal amounts on both sides. It took me despairs. It took me happiness. It took me laughter. It took me tears. But I am happy to have found it.
Love of my life has always been there waiting for me to throw a glance at it, to notice it, to take it into my life, to accept it, to cherish it, to appreciate it, to caress it. And now it's there. Thanks to the Creator, I have found it, and won't lose again...well, at least, not this lifetime.
I have found the love of my life, and it is the love I have for my life - the people in my life, the days in my year, the sparkles in my people's eyes, the luck in my heart.
I have most probably refound the love of my life- the love towards my life- the love for my life, the love of my life!

Victory Song (Dedicated to the Armenian Velvet Revolution)

I did take my step, and we did it, We walked all together so long, and we fixed it. And the hope that ignited our pupils Turned to lighthouse to guide through the darkness. We made a history, we struggled against evil, We demolished the castles of false witness, And as “I” turned into “we”, and “we”-into future, We revived, we stood up, we walked on. It’s with honks and free speech and pot banging That we claimed our right to live well. And the youth that used love as their weapon Could make all take a step and rebel. I did take my step, and we won it. The people got free in the end. We walked much through deep dirt, still we made it. The right wins, the light wins, as we live. The velvet love and compassion, no hatred Made us go through the dark and still make it. The revolution was kind, warm and emerging, And love made relovution so velvet.

April 30th
Yerevan, RA

People in my life

I love people, and I love being with people. I love talking to people. I love listening to people. I love inspiring people. Because this is what inspires me.
All are teachers, all are mentors. There is no one we meet by chance, there is no talk we have by accident. Our relationships are a big jigsaw puzzle we try to finish, but there is always this one piece missing.
People in my  life are many in number. I am sociable and talkative, so one needs to be either very rigid or absolutely stupid not to befriend me. Sometimes  I feel wasted, and it is when I give up on a person and move on.
My "true" friends always express their disapproval of me having so many "untrue" friends, and this is because they care for me, they want my good, and they don't want to share me with undeserving people (which does flatter the little insecure child in me). But they also know I am an altruist and I always find something good in everyone, and there is always something to learn from everyone around.
I always say "I teach grammar and vocab, you teach life". This is valid.
But I want to mention how important our relationships with "passers" are. They show our true intentions and bring-up. they show our morality and priorities. When we know we will never see the person again, that one time we talk is important. It shows what we are. I always say morality is what we do when no one's watching, thus no one's expecting a peculiar behavior. But it feels good when we meet each other's expectations. And it is cute when people's eyes shine as they hear your name or see you by chance.
I love the talks. The talks over coffee or something stronger. I love the silence. Silence defines closeness. Silence is not ignorance, silence is comfort. Looks add up to this.
People come and go, some of them go when we least except, most of them come when we most need- the traffic never stops. But still, there are the ones who make us, the ones who are our grounds, our clouds, our moons, our ones. Feeling the love they spare is really important. Being appreciative is a must. Because people in our lives make us, they chisel us, they shape us, they are us. This is why they change with us, for us, because of us.

About having faith

Faith is the answer to every question. Faith in yourself, faith in relationship, faith in humanity, faith in your rightness, faith in your morality, faith in God.
Everything is not just easy, but right, when you have faith. When you have the faith that you are where you need to be, and everything goes the way it should be.
But above all, it is important to think well before acting, as it is not that difficult to project the next five developments and make a choice on how to act now. When you have faith what you do is right, nothing can make you tense or embarrassed.
When you have faith in people, that they treat you well, or will do, it is easier to love, and trust.
When you have faith in life, in the balance, in the harmony, in God, in other words, you stop blaming everyone and everything, take responsibility and build your life.
And people who have faith in you come and surround you, because your Faith told you you have earned it.
I have faith in you, in me, in us.
Just because I have the faith we have earned it.

What not eating meat for 30 days taught me

It takes 30 days for our body to fully digest and cleanse from any meat. So I took up the challenge for an experiment. I wanted to see what changes in me, who had meat for two meals at least, who swore on Oxford Dictionary and Shaurma, who worhsipped chicken breast and KFC bites.
So, it was very rewarding. Of course, it was most difficult at family and friend dinners, when you do mot want to shout about depriving yourself from your favorite foods, but there where meals I ate nothing at, because every single dish contained some meat.
Because I took the challenge following my inner call, I had no psychological or mental difficulties controlling my appetite, but I had physical ones - I was never satisfied by the food, I was hungry most of the times (I also do not consume bread). And I was stupid enough not to add protein additives to my diet.
Still, the results are self-explaining. I am far less stressed out, I have more energy (I literally burst  with energy when I come home at 22-00 after having taught the whole day. I take a lot of things easier, yes, even Yerevan traffic. I am more understanding, less demanding, and less dealing with ****ting )))
And it is so good that not a single vegetarian friend pushed me, opposite, every one was like “You wanna eat, do”,  but as for now I really do mot feel like.
The brain also works faster, because I eat a lot more nut snacks, a lot of colorful veggies brighten my mood.
Did I mention I saved quite a lot of money on my meals outdoors which where cut by 60% in the cost, because this is the meat price, the meat which is of unknown quality?!
Moral of the story- meat makes us less energetic, more stressed and poor. And humans are not meat-eaters origninally, so this explains a lot.

What driving 10 000 kms has taught me

They say one learns a skill after practicing for 10 000 hours, and my driving instructor said it usually takes this much kilometers to become a relatively decent driver, not an "usta" though.
Now, once I have passed the border between a freshman and a sophomore, let me note down some of the lessons I have learnt:
1. When you drive you look at your three mirrors more, than you look through the windshield. This is because it is the danger from behind and around that hits us, not the one right in front of our eyes.
2. Listening to music while driving is crucial, and it does set the pace and the speed as you go. But you should shut the radio down, when there is someone next to you and listen to this someone. This is respect and safety.
3. At the crossroads, people will check you out- some for chatting you up, the others for seeing if they can overtake you. You need to smile like a Sphynx and apply your hand cream. Never be caught in a chat under the red light.
4. You need to fuel your car...systematically, with good quality gasoline and oils. This keeps your car engine going.
5. Some people obtain the license to drive, while others go take exams. They all learn the same things - some in the right way, the others-in the long way.
6. It is after you have a couple of minor accidents that you actually feel the parameters of your car, and learn how to distinguish the good driver from the bad one, as well as to defend yourself.
7. Never trust the signs peer drivers give - they may go to the right while flickering the left turn light, as well as move the car without a prior note. Not mentioning unforeseen stops.
8. One needs to keep their car clean of litter, wash it from time to time, decorate, make changes.
9. Do not compare your car with other people's cars - yours is the best, trust me.
10. If you want to know how important your car is, just do not drive it for three days.
No, this was not about driving and a car.

11. It is a sign of aristocracy when you respect other peoples’ cars, park and drive keeping the distance, do not honk at any uncomfortable situation, give sign before changing your route and turning.

Nothing

If I was diagnosed with cancer, if I had an accident and died just tomorrow, there is nothing I would like to do before I die. I have noone to say I love them, I have no apologies to make, there are no places I dream to visit. I have done all of these. I have paid all my dues. I do all as I consider right. If I want to talk, I do. If I want to block, I do. I am deeply convinced I treat people right. I try my very best to be maximum moral and minimum mutual.

And I fully enjoy every minute,
every glance, every look, every drawback.
I do all that pleases me, I say all that fills me in
I live my life with no regrets.

And if I die tomorrow, be happy,
Because happy was what I always felt,
Spread on me cinna and bury me,
Make my people dance to the rhythm.

I lived a good life, with all that had made me,
I gave love, felt so good, hurt and cured,
No regrets, no changes, no goals,
All is good, Life rewards as it goes.

All the disappointments and pains and heartbreaks,
I let go, I forget, I won't hurt,
All that comes to me is what I paid for,
What I earned, what I craved, what I cared for.

Nobody is secured from a surprise death, and today, as I was watching a play about it, it occurred to me, that I have nothing to do before I die, absolutely nothing, because I make sure I do all till I am alive.

The dance

I had always loved partying, but had given up doing it so much. Maybe because I thought I was old for that, or maybe because I preferred driving rather than drinking.
But that night I knew I needed to go party. I was committed to get drunk.
So I emptied the first doudou into my stomach. Nothing.
The second.
Nothing.
The third.
Gives hope.
Ok, I agree to play that game of checkers with shots instead of figures. I eat one figure, then second, then third, I lost number of counts.
Did I mention there was this guy who came with a friend and three girls while I was in the toilet checking why I was not drunk yet? So he sat in the neighboring table with his back to me. During the same show there was an auction for a blue cocktail the barman made in front of us. He has bought it for me. I was sipping at it.  Then he gradually turned to be on the same level with me, and we peered during the show games.
Returning to the checkers. He was playing them too. Parralel to me. Couldn't track how drunk he was. But we started dancing..All together. Everyone was dancing with everyone, but somehow I ended in his tight arms when the slow dance came (I hadn't seen it coming, tho).
He was hesitant adn cautious first. One hand on the back, the other holding my hand. But after a couple of moves we ended on each other's shoulders. Comfortably. Silently. No questions. Nothing. We were both drunk. We just danced well. Everyone was looking, and then he said (he had been giving me instructions how to move all the time, so that we synched);" Now I hug you hold you up and spin". I laughed. Did not think he was serious. But he was. We spinned once. I held my head back and folded my knees up behind me. a couple more rounds. I felt the moment. Wow! He was strong ;-)
Then we ended up cheek to cheek. Then he left the room, and I left the club. Don't know how it would have ended if we talked after. But I knew, somehow felt that dance was all we needed.
I smelled his perfume when I came home, and decided not towash it away.
I felt his cheek hair on my cheek for a day aftrerwards.
I felt his tight arms. I felt his closed eyes.