Faking it

 It starts with hair dye. You are a rebellious teenager and decide to dye your hair because you want to. of course, your parents oppose it, because " it's not time yet", " you will regret", " my mother didn't allow me". Then you notice your body and nose do not meet the expectations of instagram and tik tok, and you start craving what you do not need- the image they entangle us with. everyone does gel nail polish nowadays. Everyone wears the trendy jewelry and holds the most recent model of iphone. Everyone has a lunch with girls downtown. 

And then you are slightly past thirty, stuck in the opposite of body positive, secretly homophobic, slightly overweight, secretly still in love with your ex, and the first grey hair start popping up. Did i mention extremely thin and uneven nails as a side effect of gel polish once in 21 days? And then you realize you don't enjoy the cigarettes that smell like cherries, nor the wines that taste like plum. The red velvet and tiramisu fail at making you happy too. You do not want to travel now because go to new places seems an escape from your current life that you do not want to make. 

Voila. You have been faking it for so long and for so many reasons that you forgot whether you liked bitter coffee because your family did or because you had weight issues. You also forgot whether you broke up with your first love because he led to it or because you had no idea what was it that you desired.

And all you want to do is grab your favorite old laptop that takes years to load, make a strong coffee (of course, no sugar) and sit and ponder over your past and present, future and dreams with only one thought: " I have been waiting for the time to come, but it is just going"!