Adulthood fears smell of childhood insecurities

 I have taken up ice skating recently. Why? Cause one astrologer suggetsed to try scating to relieve aggression (of which I have tons). I went to the rink with a favorite student, and with two of them...Yesterday, as I was trying to push my tired and heavy body towards the unpolished ice surface a fear of not holding my physical weight and psychological load of failures captured me. And I recognized this fear. Like in Holiwood movies, I went back in my memories to over twenty years ago, when I was trying to master the art of roller skating. It was mesmarizing to feel this relation to the old-fellow fear, the one I had or hadn't overcome years and years ago. And then it hit me once again how circlic our life span is. Situations repeat over and over again...until we learn the lesson. 

A student at work mentioned one Trump book ten days ago. I asked to bring it to me for a read. As I started it, it looked a little not interesting to me, but I kept on reading to figure out at this very moment of last January morning blog post (after ritual Marlboro and in complete tranquility and harmony) the universe tries to create the most appropriate environment for my childhood insecurities to be finallly overcome. The book is all about not giving up, and overcoming obstacles, and finding the courage, and my routine is all about practice.

I have been coming across a word "eggregor" or something like that, which is basically the incidental occurence of one and the same phenomenon all around us for a reason. Probably that's the fear story. It came to draw my attention towards my fears, of which I thought I had none. I have created this image of strong independence, absolute determination and endless devotion so well, that I myself sometimes fail to remember of what I am made of. The asnwer is "insecurities" I guess...

Loss is gain

 I know this well, and can name endless examples to demonstrate. To begin with, when I failed my university entrance exam for history I lost my hopes to enter the Faculty of International affairs, but I gained an opportunity out of literally nowhere to find my dream profession and live happy 14 years doing the job I adore. I lost my dream, I found my vocation.

And then again, in the university it was, that I lost my best friend and first love. What had I gained I realized years afterwards- the most valuable gain of all- first love and a beautiful youth. What we had back when we were 18 was so pure and clean, no lies, no expectations, just us- honest, vulnerable, young, uncomplicated, unambitious. I lost my first love object, I gained my first love story, and the object is still around and keeps me happy by his mere existence on the planet.

I have lost three employments so far- all with my intent. I appeared in the right place at the right time, and after having completed my missions I had to leave, to move on, to go to the next level of the video game. I lost my jobs, and I found my next jobs. I lost old, and I gained new.

I will not be able to recover in my memory all the friends I have lost throughout my recent life, but yet again, I am so appreciative of them entering and leaving my life. No relationship suffers unless it is expired and exhausted. And if the connection is lame, why should people hold on to it? For what? I have lost many friends, some of them, true friends, to my own surprise, but I have always gained, excuse me please, even better friends in return.

I never cling to the old. I respect it, I honor it, I cherish it, but I easily lose it...because it is by losing that I always gain!

 Երևի սենց էլ ամբողջ կյանքս քեզ սիրելով մնամ,

Ուրիշներից հոտդ առնեմ, երգդ լսեմ ու քեզ սպասելով մնամ:

Ամեն կինոյի մեջ ռոմանտիկ պստմությունը իմ ու քո վրա դնեմ,

Մազերիդ կոպտությունը զգալով, սիգարետիտ հոտից փախնող,

Բայց քեզ սիրող մնամ:

Քո մասին խոսելիս, գրելիս, լսելիս խնդացող ու լացող մնամ,

Ամեն օր քեզ ավելի շատ հասկացող, ընդունող ու սիրող մնամ:

Երևի տենղ էլ կյանքիս մյուս կեսն ապրեմ ու քեզ նվիրված մնամ,

Երևի ծերանանք ու ցնդենք, բայց էլի իրար սիրով գնանք:

Եթե քեզ չսիրեի, երևի լավ լիներ, թեթև լիներ, հանգիստ ու հեշտ լիներ,

Բայց ոչ երգ կհասկանայի, ոչ կինո կնայեի, ոչ Լուսնին կաղոթեի,

Երևի դու չլինեիր, մի ուրիշը լիներ, ինձ հարմար կլիներ, ես էլ լավ կզգայի,

Բայց որ դու չլինեիր ես երևի չէ, հաստատ, սա չէի զգա: 

Եսիմ թե: Չգիտեմ: Չեմ իմանում, չեմ հասկանում,

Բայց մի բան կա, որ կլինի, ու շատ եմ վախենում:

Անջատ լինենք, լուր չունենանք, չխոսենք, չշփվենք,

Մենակ թե մի օր մեն-մենակ շիրիմիդ ես չգամ:

 I love jazz and whiskey, not fond of lies and huskies,

Give me space, give me time, admit I'm right,

Help me grow, take it slow, crave for more,

I love jazz and whiskey, shopping and Netflix.

Somebody to die for

No, I will never die for you, Love,
I won’t cut my veins or hang up,
I won’t drown in an ocean of hate,
I won’t suffer to prove you my love.

I would rather opt for living for you, Love,
Going through life stages next to you, holding hearts,
Passing on, moving on, handling each other
Especially when rolling down, Love.

I don’t need anybody to die for, Love,
All I need is somebody to live for,
A text to reply in the morning
A cup of coffee to make for in the down.

I want you to love for a life, Love,
To hold your head in my hands and feel the weight
Of your burdens and achievements and all losts,
And still love you on for what you are.

On a good book

Helsinki Public Library Oodi, September 2011

Have you ever started reading a book, and got stuck on page 8? And no chance of moving ahead in a week. And then you decide to restart because "you are serious this time". Sometimes you attempt three or four times till you get to page 9. And then miracles happen. The book turns out to be a page turner with information you needed at that exact moment and calls you the next moment you put it down. It seems to be the only reason you wake up for, your life turns around it, you were born to get to this moment. And then you literally devour the pages and as you get closer to the end of the book you start reading slower, savouring the lines, starting to smell the pages, feeling the cover material thickness. You just try to prolong the last page turn because with this book you will finish another phase of your life- this book made you different. Now your life is divided into before and after this book. And the funny turn of events is...that you have this feeling till the next good book. How many lives do we- the readers-live?! After every good book, a new life begins, an upgraded one. Sometimes I feel I have become even taller or even heavier after "eating" or "drinking" a book - sip by sip, crumb by crumb...Sometimes dieting, sometimes "swallowing" all that's "on the table and at reach".
And there are people who have this tradition to read over breakfast - provided bitter coffee should be considered one-and this reading ritual is usually via an Ipad app or Kindle. For some reason, it is easier to hold electronic devices that hard copy books over coffee cups :-) This experience is absolutely holistic because every good book is a complete prayer to the universe and every message in the book or article seems to be guidance from above. The world stops for fifteen minutes, and then goes on again.
One smart person I know says "Writing is therapeutic", and this is only because by writing the author confesses his heart to the readers. His experience teaches us. Most often it is a win-win game. Zero sum games are for social media and TV, since good books sprinkle wisdom to all takers. And no one reader's gain is jeopardized by another's gain.

My Life Mission

The one and only goal is to live my life to the maximum, never having wasted a moment, a thought or an emotion.
I want to fulfil myself as a:

Princess Regal, Baltic Sea, September 2016

good woman, which means I am a caring and attentive individual who puts her principles in the center of her life. I try my best not to hurt anyone, not to teach when I am not asked, not to expect what people are not capable of giving. Being a good woman means first of all traking ccare of my psychological, mental and physical health. This includes not practising such unhealthy habits as consumption of  drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, overly fatty foods, low-quality sugary drinks and desserts, dough products. It also implies taking care of my health from both inside and outside (including regular walks in the open air, nourishing body with vitamins and supplements). It is important to take a proper care of personal hygiene which does not stop after regular showers, but gets to abundant and regular usage of nourishing, cleaning creams, lotions and masks. Regular health checkups and feminine function close regulations are a must.
good wife to a loving husband. This does not mean putting my beloved man in the center of my life and running in cicles around him, buyt rather constantly working on my principles to make myself tolerant, forgiving, compassionate and giving. This includes always finding time and mood to spread love, warmth and respect towards my husband and his needs.
good mother, which means raising the children so that they make all the right moves and right choices thoughout their lives.
good teacher who always finds responsibility and dignity to teach her students with love and true dedication, celebrates their achievements, and does regard teaching as her vocation.
good daughter, which means being tolerant, forgiving and loving at all times when it comes to parents ablove all the people in the world.
good friend, which means not pushing too hard on the friends I have, but still always making sure they feel how much appreciated they are. It is really important to make communication constant, and anger free.Empathy will help.

Based on previous experiences I find it super important to remind myself about being less a quitter and going further than six days with my goals, be it intermittent fasting or working with high standards. Being overly demanding towards people and myself is merely stupid and irresponsible, instead reasons of any misfortune and/or mishap should be enlighted and discussed. Communication is really important for me. I want to keep my private life private, thus not sharing with people around too much, and yet not being a dark horse and distrusting. I need not to quit any relationship, job or situation which seems complex. This is a lesson to learn and tackle not quit.