How is it possible to evade a person who was the whole universe just a little while ago? How is it possible to feel nothing towards the person one used to call "Love of my Lives"? Well, it is possible. Several years ago, we were sitting on the warm sand at the beach of Lloret de Mar, when quite experienced in life and love H.A. told me that I may easily love one person all my life, but then form a family with a completely different person. I was young and naive, so I thought it was merely impossible, to say the least. Then it happened. He happened. At the most unexpected time and place. He just happened. He came into my life to show me what I always dreamt of was attainable, he came to prove my expectations ain't too high, he came to ruin me, like a big wave, he washed voer my past and present, fucked up my future. It's been five full years ever since. It's been a while since we met or talked...but still, every time I see a romantic movie or listen to a cheesy song it's Him I recall. And then the pain rolls up in my throat, i have to take a deep sign in the middle of nothing, to exhile His name. I don't think my body cells will ever forget his touch, I don't think my nose will feel any other scent to sharp, I don't imagine a person who will understand and control me so masterfully, and yet, I will form my family and live with a man all my life, who won't be Him. I'll be happy, for sure, and with time love will come, a more mature love, a reasonable love...but when I watch true passion in movies and hear deep love in music, it's Him I'll remember. I have learnt to dance without Him, like he has, most probably, learnt to dance with no Me. Will I ever get over Him? Will I ever be able to talk about His phase in my life without tears. Why is it so for everyone? Why do we meet the one and only for it to never happen? Why is ever after not like in the movies? Maybe one day, hopefully one day, it will let go...but not yet, not yet!

Games people opt not to play

My close friend of eleven years visited me yesterday. She had bought for me an avocado, a chicken breast, some fruits and berries, and a small pack of our favorite chocolate. Another close friend of five years visited me two days ago, and she had brought me fruits and berries. But friend would usually go with chocolate bars and pastries, no? As I asked Lilit to unload her purchases into the fridge since I was busy making breakfast for us (fried eggs,nothign fancy FYI) I figured out how intimate we had become that she knows bringing chicken breast for a friend with eating disorders struggling with her hormone imbalances is quite appropriate, and moreover, welcome! As we were sitting and discussing our improbable relationship having grown into something truly intimate we realized that the secret was our decision to quit playing games with one another. What I mean is, that unlike most social intercourses, we had come to the verdict that being our true selves, sharing our vulnerabilities openly, discussing our childhood traumas has made it possible for us to never be hurt or bored, always anticipate meetings with each other, accept each other the way we truly are, not the way we would liek to be. All people, being bitches craving for attention....ok....let me rephrase....most people, being attention whores, need to play their social role in a way that attracts attention and praise, admiration and approval of the society. Why? Probably, childhood traumas, as I love to joke (semi-joke). Our unfulfilled desires for approval follow us thoughout all the span of our life, they reflect in every small act - our manners, our looks, the words we choose - they all define our "true" inner kids, and to what extent, if so, have we healed ourselves. My cousins, their relationship with one another and their attitude towards me are my favorite observation platforms. We come from more or less similar upbringing, and I have ibserved them for the last thirty-three years, so it is realtively easier for me to delve into their games and insecurities. Of course, I don't forget to start with myself every time I decide to go further into games people play, and I see how smoothly and easily I opt not to impress people as I paralelly cure my wounds. I was watching a video about a social experiment yesterday. The essence of the trial was as follows; they had proffered customers the same cosmetic item to buy put in two different- a more fancy and a more basic- bottle. The scientists had also tracked down the confidence levels of the people choosing one over the other. What they had found out was that the groups of people who had gone for a fancier package showed les confidence levels. What do I want to say? The less insecure I become, the less social games I opt to play and the clsoer I get to my true self, which is neither the body, nor the heart I currently use, but something more, something bigger, something universally long-lasting and valuable through venturies, if not millenia...

Rest well to work well

Sometimes we are greedy...Sometiems we are needy...Sometimes we just have low spirits. Spirits so low tht we forget how importnt it is not to overuse our energy. We think we can go on, but then, at the least expected moment, we may just find ourselves completely wrecked, totally exhausted or desparately lost. The importance of regular breaks can hardly be exxaggerated. If you ask me, we need a week of rest every season to be able to perform our responsibilities with diligence and care.

It's all about relationships

 I don't mean it's not important how much you have on your accounts, or what make is your car. Comfort is a pleasant luxury option, but those things make your body feel good. What makes your soul feel truly happy is the sense, not words, the sense of being in right relationships - at home, at work, with friends, with yourself. This is what truly matters. At the end of the day, you need the car to drive your beloved ones around, you need the phone to use it in communicating with your people. Even a bread and cheese breakfast with your true friend will make you feel much happier than a fancy dining with five courses in a suit-and-tie haute couture restaurant. 

The relationships where there's no "balance", but each of you tries to do yet something more for the other one- buy their favorite food, order their favorite flowers, remember their favorite colors and smells. And never count how much is spent, but rather how much is felt.

Happiness is in relationships, indeed. The feeling of your close friend dealing with your mood swings, or the patience you find in yourself when your people do drama. This is a detector of who is ours and who is not. I guess if we have nerves for each other, this is true relationship. 

It's not about "let go, and if they don't come back, they aren't your people". It's more about, " if you truly can let go, then do let go", because we don't want, we aren't ready to cope, we aren't capable of letting go of our people. Because we love them, and us with them. Period.

Confidence

 Confidence is not skipping mirrors and glasses when passing by. Neither it is not being jealous of one's partner because one thinks they are the best ever.  Confidence is trust in one's path being the best for them, including the losses and betrayals, the wasted efforts and not appreciated endeavors. Confidence is being calm that the tunnel ends in a light, and there are some torches on the way in and out. Confidence is not being afraid to die, and having the security to accept every day as it comes, with whatever it brings its way.

Confidence is what can't be taught by school. Nor is it possible to achieve it by a mental training or physical education. Confidence is an innate belief system, an unquestionable faith in the Universe functioning properly, and people always getting what they have earned.

Don't claim yourself responsible

From my heart-to-heart conversations I have figures out that it is not only me who regularly overtakes too much on their shoulders and regrets stepping it pretty soon. This may be a daughter-in-law wanting to help her husband's family, a cousin offering her help to go stay with her cousin for a night not to be home alone, or a colleague offering to work that extra hour without the supervisor even considering to ask for a favor. I won't remember who said this, but that's so true :" Don't ask money from rich people, since they will give it without your asking". Yes, people eagerly shared what they have in abundance - money, time, care, gossip.

My friend and I often remind each other of the importance to not step in unless requested. AS we share our heartbreaks, we continue being our true selves every time we see we may be of service, and we claim responsibility for something totally unnecessary, an extra burden, an unappreciated favor. But why is it that we still continue showering people with the care they perceive as control and claim responsibility for things that should not even intertwine with our routine? 

Maybe poor upbringing skills of our parents or our endless crave to be of use, to be of service, not to be taken for granted. But the matter of fact is, that paradoxically, all the people, even angels like you and me, do not appreciate what they did not ask for. Alas!

The unsaid, the said, and the in-between

 Whether we have expressed ourselves or no, we still hesitate if it had been the right thing to do. Our upbringing and education mess up with what the life coaches and psychologists advise us to do. We regret for what is said, we feel trapped with what still rests unsaid, and the in-betweens tear us apart with mood swings, relationship devaluation and fear of further commitment. The books and Netflix series we are exposed to shape our mental health  and value system in one way, while our family nurturing and schooling do not always go hand by hand. We have been encouraged to act in a modest and confident manner, but those traits do not seem to serve us when it comes to promotion at work, one's family respecting their wishes and needs and one's own cravings in life and dreams. 

As a child, my mother would always praise me when I kept silent and did not talk back to people who verbally attacked me. I always felt insecure about exposing myself to the family and friends because they would constantly build tension and I would always feel at least low-key insecure and disrespected. It is now that I stand at the threshold of having my own kids that I feel inner criticism towards my mother's parenting. I do not blame her, never. She had her reasons and justifications, her life experience and education in and outside home instilling some values. Had I not had the chance to boast access to high quality education and high value insights spreading teachers, I would not have ended up with the conclusion that psychological health, first and foremost violated in childhood, shapes whole our lives. I would not see the causes of our physical symptoms in our mental disorders and traumas. 

In case we are on speaking terms, you might have noticed my voice problems these couple of years. Needless to say, I have done my minute research and carried out my field trip to a doctor, as well as talked to my close friends about the reasons - well yes, tap water, ice cream and soda, you name it, but I lose my voice after every occurrence of me "losing my voice". I know my physical malfunctioning is a direct result of my not saying what I want to the people I want to say it when I should, and yet, every following time, I prefer to keep it unsaid than said and sacrifice my voice rather than hurt people with the truth. 

Now you tell me, is it better to have it said or unsaid?