Things my mother failed to teach me

My mother never taught me the art of feminine manipulation, maybe becasue she herself had never mastered it. Or maybe she thought I might want to learn my life lessons myself. My mother never taught me how to put myself first. Just the opposite. She taught me how to jeopartizze my self-esteem and behave well and conveninet for the members of my extended family. I have overcome all the expectations, and grown into an all-loving cutie with a character. My mother never taught be to be picky. I grew up into a convenient member of society- with loads of empathy and o big open heart. My mother failed to teach me to say no. Even when I wholeheartedly felt no. Thanks God we are all in therapy nowadays and we constantly work to forive our moms who have sacrificed their priorities to nurture us and teach us how to sacrifice our priorities for the illusional sake of our children. Until one day, hopefully, someone will break the chain!

No need for language knowledge

If you are a person who has ever had an opportunity to be tourist wondering the streets of an unfamiliar land with no language knowledge, you might understand how it feels to ask at a cafe if you can use the toilets in June in Tunis, Tunisia. So I walked downstairs, and before I could realize I had arrived at my destination an Arabic woman in warm clothes and with a floor cleaning equipment welcomed me into the toilets. As I headed towards the cabin she checked out if they were clean and handed me a peace of toilet paper she had carefully torn for me. When we were washing our hands we saw there was no soap, she apologized and quickly fixed that. As I thanked her for the careful approach, she told me thanks in return and sent me kisses. I replied the same way. She said my mom reminded her of her own mom and came to kiss my mom on the arm around the shoulder. Then she turned her head and I noticed tears in her eyes. I went and hugged her from behind and put my head on her shoulder from behind and tapped on her back. We had a silent moment of understanding and compassion, empathy and togetherness. And I finally left the restroom. In peace of heart. In harmony with my human self. And with a clear understanding that people need to language to understand each other when the heart speaks to a heart- even if the minds thing in Tunisian and Armenian respectively.

The boring art of stupid small habits

Everyone wants to be productive, successful, wealthy, healthy, you name it. People want to take radical steps towards their long-awaited goals. We don't want to eat one less candy a day, no. That's a slow torture. We would rather cut out the sweats all together! And fruits! Fruits contain sugar! They are baaad! very bad! We don't want to wake up fifteen minutes earlier. We read or heard about the 5 AM club. Robin Sharma, here we come! Yesterday(and the many yesterdays before it)I woke up at 9, rolled in bed till 10, got swollowed by social media, and then eventually got up around noon. But I read this book /heard this podcast/ heard this lecture (check which one applies to you) and will set my alarm at 5 am sharp from now on. Well, we all know how these end! Early! Recently I finally got to reading the Atomic Habits by James Clear. Not that Mark Manson (love of my life) has not been raving about the small habits and how important they are, but I guess we need the "right" amount of "dropping" information onto our grey thick mass vessel in the skull in order to finally get to seeing it. It feels boring, indeed, to take the tiny small steps, but in accumulation those are the bigest changes I have ever applied in my life - from my favourite forever-valid nutritional disorders to relationship and work, and OCD, yes. The bicycle has been invented long ago. If we want to wake-up easily, full of energy,happy, and EARLY, we need to go to bed early, with no gadgets, no anger, no alcohol, no late meals, no caffeine, and you know the rest. If we want to get care from the people around us, however primitive it looks, we got to give it first. It's all so boring and trivial and basic and primitive that I feel embarrassed to enumerate them. But they work! The boring art of stupid small habits works! Blissfully!

Open thy heart

I have been high maintenance for thirthy- three years. I always expected people to match my standards - be optimistic, have good manners, be honest, have dignity, be punctual, be literate and well-educated, know English (wink, wink), know the difference between green tea and black tea (fermentation degree), be a respectful driver (not jumping in front of me unannounced) - the list is virtually endless- and what I ended up with was OCD and rolled eyes every time someone didn't match my high expectations. And then something cracked. Was it during psycholoigical therapy? Was it at astrological lessons? Not sure. But what came out of that crack was totally new to me- authentic empathy and sincere understanding that people all come from their childhood, which does not have to be that good, in fact. People are not illiterate because they chose to. Education was merely not top priority in the families. People do not lie because they want to? It takes a lot of courage and self-wealth to tell the truth at hard times and always. And the vast majority just lacks these qualities or is on the way of developing them. People are not bad drivers out of disrespect. Simply, their anxiety makes them so irritated that road rage is their best friend. For many, driving is the only opportunity to express aggresion. People do not come late to lessons and meetings because they intend to make you wait impatiently. They just can't feel the time very well, allocate it with poor time management skills. We don't blame people with low intellect for being stupid. They are just under-nourished. The same is true for not very kind people. They are under-loved and under-cared for. It was in Mel Robbin's recent podcast that I was reminded about the power of opening one's heart. And guess what? Opening one's heart quickly makes one's heart more loveable and appreciated and cherished. And incidentally, people started to be punctual, and everyone arround me accidentally seems to have a lot of patience and appreciation. I also admitted to myself and one student that quitting relationships of various types was my escape from the fear of being hurt. Let me hurt first, so that I am not hurt. But then it stroke me that quitting is easy, staying is hard. And in order to stay all I needed to do was ... to open my heaert!

Even when pain is mandatory, suffering is optional

Many changes come as painful - extracting the useless tooth before placing an implant, letting go of childhood traumas when remembering things you thought you had forgotten, finding out your parent has cancer, losing relationships close to your heart, you name it... It's not even a matter of being a pessimist or an optimist. Its more about taking control over your life, your pain, your lessons. It does not really have to be suffering, even if it is painful. I am introducing the idea of sweet pain - the relieving pain. It relieves of the ambiguity, ignorance, carelessness. Pain is not always bad. Pain is a growth trampline. With every jump, the leap is bigger. The bigger the leap- the farther the landing. The more painful the experience, the bigger the achievement. It's up to us to choose suffering, or to opt out. Suffering is optional. I understand that there are critical situations when poeople are too deep under suffering to be able to ponder on whether that was optional. And yet, once we are on the level of "everything happens for a reason" and "everything's a lesson", even suffering is acceptable and sometimes even desirable. Let alone, sufferings in childbirth...

Feeling ashamed for someone else's guilt

People have different value systems and different upbringing. What is unaccetpable for one person may be a norm for the otehr one. But there are some occurences when the one person "misbehaves", cheats, undervalues, does something "immoral" and upon realizing this it is us that feel ashamed for the situation. Imagine, you find out your partner lied to you and instead of telling the person they behave like shit, you feel shameful for their low morals and try to "cover" their wrongdoing by justifying their deed. This is especially hard to accept and commonly practiced in extended family bonds. Well, I am sharing my first-hand experience here. And it has happened in my relationship with the same family member throughout years. And I FEEL VERY SAD. Sad for having believed we shared the same value system when in fact we hadn't. That is eye-opening. Hopefully, I will learn my lesson from the seoncd time ;-)

How is it possible to evade a person who was the whole universe just a little while ago? How is it possible to feel nothing towards the person one used to call "Love of my Lives"? Well, it is possible. Several years ago, we were sitting on the warm sand at the beach of Lloret de Mar, when quite experienced in life and love H.A. told me that I may easily love one person all my life, but then form a family with a completely different person. I was young and naive, so I thought it was merely impossible, to say the least. Then it happened. He happened. At the most unexpected time and place. He just happened. He came into my life to show me what I always dreamt of was attainable, he came to prove my expectations ain't too high, he came to ruin me, like a big wave, he washed voer my past and present, fucked up my future. It's been five full years ever since. It's been a while since we met or talked...but still, every time I see a romantic movie or listen to a cheesy song it's Him I recall. And then the pain rolls up in my throat, i have to take a deep sign in the middle of nothing, to exhile His name. I don't think my body cells will ever forget his touch, I don't think my nose will feel any other scent to sharp, I don't imagine a person who will understand and control me so masterfully, and yet, I will form my family and live with a man all my life, who won't be Him. I'll be happy, for sure, and with time love will come, a more mature love, a reasonable love...but when I watch true passion in movies and hear deep love in music, it's Him I'll remember. I have learnt to dance without Him, like he has, most probably, learnt to dance with no Me. Will I ever get over Him? Will I ever be able to talk about His phase in my life without tears. Why is it so for everyone? Why do we meet the one and only for it to never happen? Why is ever after not like in the movies? Maybe one day, hopefully one day, it will let go...but not yet, not yet!