Mutuality

If I have chosen you to share some fun,
Make sure to pay back the time I set gone.
If you have me by your side every time,
Make sure you are there when in need is soul mine.

I am such a bad one, once broke, never healed.
If I waste chances, you're gone, never cared.
I give you my best, wanting in return.
Meet my expectations, or simply move on.

I am not that rich to blow off my love,
If you feel my warmth, be sure to pay off,
Since at that drastic moment my heart breaks apart,
You'll be noone to me, not the first, not the last.

I am used to getting and losing, I enjoy letting go,
I am strong enough to move on. Are you too?
People mean nothing. It's relationship I love
And if we fall apart, be grateful for more.

Parallelly

I am texting, he is sleeping, she is drinking coffee, they are dreaming.
Life is so rich in its chances. We all have equal opportunities- according to our merits and capacities. Just some of us seize every vague one, and some of us blow every fantastic one. Yet, many many things happen at the same time.
I usually remember this simultaneous reality on a plane, but this time I remembered it because I felt me and my precious friend doing the same thing at the same time without sharing the important news- we were thinking of each other.
My friends are so interesting. One of them tells about her newly born kid only, the other shares her wisdom, the third just demands my constant existence, the forth wants me there for hanging outs only. But they all have their parallel moments of living, the ones connected with me.
It has always been interesting for me to stop for a second and realise how many things might be changing at that very moment- time is so powerful.
Time is powerful indeed. It changes out value systems, relationship bonds, job preferences, and everything parallelly, without even reporting to us.
The parallel reality is there at every second, and I can but notice and feel the changes they bring to the ones precious to me.
And yes, I wanted to mention the parallel love I give and get during my teaching. This subconscious bucket of devotion always coming back to me is another parallel reality. 
We do not need to utter everything, some things are felt with the heart. Sorry for crappiness.
Just notice the parallel reality and enjoy the subconscious energy flow.

Principles and Actions

They are interconnected, that is true. But which one is the boss? Do we act in a specific way because our  principles guide us, or do our principles form based on the situation and previous life experience?
As we got acquainted, my acquaintance mentioned in a conversation she does not like using people. Already knowing her zodiac sign, I could not help but grin in a very wicked manner. Sure, I was right. Every single thing she has done since that day has proved her maneuvering people like puppets, making them serve her, meet her demands, even if that led to the inconvenience of the formers. It is not delegating tasks through people, it is using people. The worst type of symbiotic relations ever. I gave myself a chance to try it- making people do something at my convenience. Even in the cases when people expressed strong eagerness to serve, my inner self could not afford the luxury. I am not that type. Is that good? Not sure.
My friend things people should keep contacts with those who they might need in the short, medium or long run... Hmm...How do they realize who might be needed in the future and who not? I am again illiterate and inexperienced, but I pamper myself to try. What's the outcome? I keep in touch with everybody, but this is not coming from me. They need me. The have various requests for me- from translating to shopping for them. And I eagerly do and end up being the one people want to keep in touch because I might help them. Do I learn any lesson from this? Never.
When it comes to me, I cannot practice these. I want to, I realize the ease they bring, but I cannot. It is not because my principles are rebellious. It is because my actions form my principles nourished by the past experience.
My priority is my inner comfort, to know I was not a burden. This is my principle.
Is this good? Not sure.

People who take photos and people who notice the moment

It is trendy now. We take photos of our looks, beautifully arranged table, nicely held hands, weeding ceremony, concerts, proper make-up and Ararat. But a few really notice the beauty and value of the things their lens is capturing. So what is the aim of capturing it? Very few people and very rarely find mood and nerves to have a third or forth look at their beautiful photos they have taken with so much effort.

Living in the moment and noticing the moment-no need for the smart device to capture, the brain and heart will seize the chance. 

Seeing through the device is beautiful, noticing without interventions of any kind, technical or physical, is still incomparable.

Yours and none's

The strange circle of busy life takes me to a stage of being too busy with routine small tasks that I do not focus on the personal and interpersonal issues I would otherwise prioritize. Well, still, everything does fall in its place and in the long run, people who deserve get all of me. Simply, now it happens so that I automatically edit my people. The ones who really need, appreciate and love me,get all of me, the others get the moral morsel and that is it.
I catch myself on being remoted from things, situations and people I care so much, I am just too busy figuring myself out to figure everyone else out. The drama is that now everyone is happy with me, starting from me.
And I will never understand how it happens so that when I am selfish and self-centered I get more love and appreciation,than when I sacrifice my time and energy and love for the sake of others'.
Noone can lose anyone, since noone belongs to one. Me either.

The city smells like you

I am in the taxi commuting to Yeghegnadzor, and at the crossroad the car has a meeting with the red lights, and I get an uncharted meeting with my memories. The park on the left has the memories of you and me. And I go deep. Usually, my routine takes all my time I might have spent thinking about us otherwise. But now I have nothing else to get me busy. And I fall into the traps of loving you, letting you take care of me, hold my heart, arm and hair. I let you hold my hair knowing well enough that hair is a lady's strength. I willingly let you take my strength from me, since I need none when next to you. You have given me all I needed and more. The songs so ours, the hugs so powerful, the looks so long, the touches so randomly casual, and the time so precious. You are the one next to whom I feel week, who I obey and consider when making decisions. You are the one I count on and you never never let me down. I hope there will be no crossroads again, but, believe it or not, the city has your memories in every secret and public corner of it. And I am so happy about it. When the time comes when there will be no you next to me, and even no me next to you, I will refer to the ity, who has seen our happy moments and who keeps our images on every wall.

Sept. 26th, 2015

The Art of Leaving it

Dozens of articles have warned me about the importance to let go of things I wanted to happen, promising that as soon as I did change the focus of my attention the aimed man would be interested in me in return , the wanted job offer would appear and the detested extra weight would melt away. I used to nod my head and believe in it, feeling determined to follow the advice. Yet, I never actually did.
I have no idea how and when I actually did start, but now I really practice it- I want it, I leave it, I get it, I enjoy it.
Heavens, it rocks! Let this last forever!

On Being Happy

When was that? The day I decided the PHD in the Institute of Language was a waste of time and energy or the day I felt admiration in His eyes or the day my Mom realized I was an adult already or the day I started to avoid telling my personal life to people...but one day I started being happy. It expressed in my unsurpassed energy level-the amount of work I do per day equals the amount my friends do in three..and still I have energy and willingness to do more...I am healthy...I manage everything...
Maybe it was the day I decided to appreciate relationships and work on them till the last straw, when I became happy. Now I easily forgive, and ask for apologies and often simply do not notice stuff...
Maybe it was the day I felt absolute intimacy with my parents, best friends or God...that I started to live fearless..
Maybe it was the day my Astrologist gave me answers to all mt questions that I Became fearlessly happy and started to curve my future knowing that stars know nothing when I live right.
Maybe it was the first time I realized money is nothing when you have noone to spend on...when I started to love money...I am not afraid to confess money does make me happy.
Whatever that was, whenever that was, I pray this feeling to stay forever, because now, typing this after getting up at 6.30, commuting for some 135kms,  teaching for nine consecutive hours with no proper meal,  then at last having the anticipated dinner at my favourite super cheap and tasty cafe In Yeghegnadzor I cometo my apartment, talk to my mom, best friends and some acquaintances, I feel absolute, undivided happiness listening to smooth jazz, eating my fav white sunflower seeds and closing my eyes for the celebration of my happy life.

I want to make a memory

Meet my Expectations

Shakespeare urges us to live with no expectations. The more your expect, the less satisfied in your relationships you appear. But is it really possible not to expect a parent to prepare surprises in return, a partner to call the moment you need him, a friend to be there for you whenever you feel like? Or what is the reason we expect people to behave in a particular way? Is it not selfish? Is it not immoral (wink, wink))?
The drama of my happy self is having too high standards and expectations from people I love. It feels good to console my ego with the idea that I expect from those I give a lot. But to be fair, I expect because I am a weak, silly young lady with a distinct inferiority complex cherished from the childhood of an abandoned by the dad kid. I need people I love to love me in return, to love my like the last day. I do not take into account they have their lives, everyday problems and personal stuff. I do not take this into consideration, because when it comes to me, I give them myself, unconditionally, rain or sun. But do they really need this all? Or do I need it?
This typical pattern in my life of finding a person to synchronize with, to devote myself to the relationship and get fucked up because People do not always have the nerves, time, eagerness to meet my expectations and they should not, actually. And then I piss off and quit. I hate myself for this. This awful moments I weep into the pillow scratching my teeth and listening to my fave songs, and in just four minutes I come back to reality.
Nobody needs to meet your expextations. And if you do something expecting an answer, is that love or lent attitude? Is it not more selfish than actually being arrogant and unresponsive ?
Too many questions...Easier said than done...
I am still going to give my best to any relationship. Feel empty. Give and expect. I cannot live otherwise. I am a fabulous, strong, independent woman who is a little, abandoned, fat kid with this stupid complexes tracing my happy self every now and then.
Please, do not meet my expctations. Let me work on it and grow, let me overcom myself, let me be stronger.

Alpha males vs Alpha females

I have been giving some thoughts to whether it is good to be an Alpha female or no. When talking on this, all my male students expressed their eagerness to assassin their Alpha type partners, and me, being a distinguished one myself.
Some years ago, after being told I was too good and too strong for the presumably #loveofmylife man, I decided to stop being Alpha, to be regular. For him. Oh yes, I tried. I tried a lot. Like being this modest, obedient thing to make males feel powerful and strong, and hack, this really is not the best feeling. The illusion of power. The phantom of obedience. The good Alpha Female rules the situation so the male feels Alpha even when he is not....Damn it. No. The proper Alpha Female does not decrease her expectations to make the man next to her feel good, she just gets the right man next to her and it originally becomes harmonic. The proper man can easily tame an Alpha woman. She will give in willingly. #trustmeiamexperienced.
I am for Alpha women. I believe in a harmonic, almost equal unity of two Alphas in a partnership.
It is not Alpha Male vs Alpha Female. It is Alpha Male feat Alpha Female.
#MyMan #My

Alpha

Don't you dare

There were people in my life who decided they did not want to stay long. Well, maybe I made the verdict for some of them.
It is difficult only for the first ten days. And then you stop wanting to share your life with them- humans are super selfish: they easily stop caring as they see the other party has given up on them.
The funny incident was coming across one person I used to be quite friends with who appeared one day saying my jokes are too "open" and she is not eager to keep the friendship with me. And I was like "OK, pervert". Honestly, I am so sure pervert are those who have a phobia from "open words and jokes and all".
Well, it did take me a while to pass through the coma of splitting up. And then, after 13 years of not dealing with her pervert friend, this lady happened to meet me at a hangout. She not only came and stood in front of me for some time giving me the chance to tell another pervert hello, but started her welcome by fighting with me, saying ...literary " What the hack are you  not dropping a hello to me? Don't you recognize me?" And I was like "Don't you dare, darling" which sounded in the form of " Oh, Are you ***?, I did not see you". (I really had not noticed and consequently recognized her, truth be told)
And this is it. Well, I smiled at her a couple of times during the day, since I had no probability of avoiding meetups. Still, I had zero feelings and emotions towards her.
And she is not alone.
I have some many great frenemies like that.
Why on Earth should people think that after sharing some life together and then being given a hard kick on (not the bottom) head we should fall into them whenever we come across, especially when more than a day has passed since the "happy incident of being sent far" happened.
Never do I cherish a wish to be rude or something, but well you all, deciding to come back into my life for #Godknowswhythislate, I have nothing more than a smile and honest wish of happiness for you. The farther the better. The broken parts never come back again. Don't you dare.

On some Faces of Intimacy

Intimacy stays. Always. Sometimes.
Today after not seeing him for some year and a half I happened to come across My Mirror Man . Well, we are constantly communicating on phone and skype, but seeing him face to face was still sort of a shock to us both. The interesting feeling was that of safety and comfort I do believe we both had, especially after seeing off the people accompanying us. Intimacy is when we look into each other's eyes for quite a long time and still feel so comfortable. Through all said and unsaid, we managed to keep it, yet none of us paying some attention to it. The look of endless devotion and straightforwardness was in our eyes. I just felt so intimate for a moment. It even scared me. His hugs so tight, and smile so only mine. For a moment it seemed to me we were back in time. Yet, it is gone.  The conclusion is that two people manage to keep intimacy of being absolutely themselves with each other, even when they break up. Probably, this gives me hope our relationship was and is based on honesty and true love.
Another moment of endless intimacy pampered me when I caught myself on sparing naughty jokes and personal care issue talks with my best friend of opposite gender. The fact we are not the same sex does make our relationship quite complicated and difficult to keep stressless, still I feel there is an ocean of intimacy between us which allows us being what we are. The conclusion is once two people commit to cherish a normal, devoted and supportive friendship, even with some skeletons in both cupboards, it is manageable to reach a very high level of intimacy.
Some unexpected intimacy stroke my father and me last evening, when ending up the second bottle of super expensive and highly appreciated wine he decided I am the only one to know all his life secrets. Not having a properly settled relationship we managed to set up the ultimate level of intimacy a father and a daughter are capable of achieving. Conclusion is blood line and genetic information push intimacy set up far better than millions of shared days.
Some intimate relationships also end up. Like the one I had with my former life and not only life teacher, with who we technically went through shitty stuff, and then, one day I found myself feeling nothing towards this person. Intimacy was not just shattered, it vanished. Conclusion is that intimacy can disappear once the relationship is endangered, not looked after and left to the fate's will.
Intimacy has many faces. Whoever gives us the chills and safety and love and tears, the important thing is

to seize the moment and enjoy the true connection with the person who has opened the door for you to appreciate, and never spare his or her valuable intimacy.

OnAir InAir

I adore how the plane takes off. Right now: it is happening. Trembling legs, ears get stuffed and heart goes up to the sky. I am an absolutely air zodiac sign (#proudtobegemini)- how I love the air and wind and planes and flights and even the turbulence zones. Do I need to mention the two-hour love affairs with occasional handsomeness!?

Taking an average of 6 planes per year is sort of a habit now. And I absolutely love this habit. I even sort of anticipate them.

It makes me reboot. It helps me get on with all.

This amazing smell of fresh sandwiches and soap. This perfect lonesomeness of a whole 200 people in the air- and yes, the nice view. People trying to get busy so that the flight passes unnoticeably boring. The beautiful flight attendants trying to please us and make us buy the expensive stuff with their charming smiles.

I always read in the plane. I always read.

Gone to read. Get some flights.

Ok. I lied. I am in my thoughts still. I have always cherished the fantasy to make an acquaintance with #myman on the plane. So that we could talk and talk (that is all about me). Well, hopefully this will happen.

Some important events in my life are connected with planes and airports. I need to overcome them all. All the truth and my fantasy. All the love and break ups ever had.Every travel had a different man I missed. This does not necessarily imply I have had , oh my God, about ten men. They did not need to be boyfriends to be missed and loved. They were and are just my muses. This one is not an exception.

 With years I have become more sensitive- more lovable, more appreciative, more caring, more bitchy( though I quite professionally conceal this). Loving less, caring more. Better said, less theory, more practice (hope, this does not sound too pervert).

I also love watching the people-the sleepers and the frightened, the tired and the readers. The readers, like my mom, well, yeah, and me.

On letting go

People come and people go,
What's the sense I'll never know.
No illusions, no despair.
You ain't mine, like I ain't yours.

People hate and people love,
Envy, jealousy and all.
Simple steps to make you shine-
You are happy, luck is mine.

Hold me close, then let me go,
Make me feel your love through all,
Arms enclosed, your heart wide open
I am sure, my eyes wide closed.

Touch is more than words do say.
Noone cares when time to pray.
You were mine, and I was yours.
Noone's others, let us go.

Thanks for all- the good, the bad,
The crazy talks and endless laughs.
Recall me once or twice or always
Keep my image in your head.

Don't get now angry, have no regrets,
Just get the message I wanna send-
Letting go is the best I can love,
Your happiness is above my control.

Չորացած տերևների մասին

Էս վերջերս սկսել եմ մեր տան բույսերը խնամել. ջրում եմ, սիրում եմ: Էսօր էլ բռնեցի ու չորացած տերևները մաքրեցի, հողի հետ խաղացի:

Պարզվեց, որ չորացած տերևների տակ փոքրիկ տերևներ ու ծիլեր կային: Մի քանիսն արդեն չորացել էին, քանի որ օդ, լույս ու հող չէին ստացել. էն չորերը ճամփեն փակել էին: Բայց հիմա, երբ մաքրեցի, մի տեսակ հպարտ դուրս եկան ու տեղավորվեցին:

Չոկոյենք էլ են սիրում տերևները մաքրել: Ուղղակի իրանք չորերը չեն սիրում: Սարթերն են սիրում: Դե մաքրելը որն ա? Ուտում են: Հող են ուտում: Խաղում են: Տերևների հետ խոսում են: Որ ասում եմ՝ խելոք տպեր են:

Էսօր ուրիշ չոր տերևներ էլ էի մաքրում: Դրանց հետ Չոկոյենք գործ չունեն: Իրանք շատ չեն հասկանում, թե տուն ով եկավ կամ ով գնաց: Կամ միգուցե հասկանում են: Չգիտեմ:

Չորացած տերևները մաքրելը լավ բան դուրս եկավ: Մեկումեջ սարթերն էլ խոնավ շորով սրբեցի, որ փոշին մաքրվի:

Չէ, բույսերից չէի խոսում: Փիլիսոփայում էի: Բայց ոչինչ չէի հնարել:

Slow down

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 No resolutions, no plans, no commitments. Living high and free. Not hurrying. Not wasting.
We need to slow down sometimes. We need to slow down and see the little things in our and others' lives- notice the intonations, gestures, winks, looks. Little things make up the big ones.
When we stop rushing, we feel free. Feeling free is really harmonic. You feel like the master of your own life, you simply have time to focus on things. Focusing on one task is far more productive than non focusing on several ones. Time managements is not about running multi-tasking for days, it is about successfully and productively completing the important tasks. Prioritizing matters.