To My Man

The light of my eyes, my counselor, my motivator, my DJ, my advisor, from the moment I met you all the darkness turned into light. I knew it was You. I just felt it. And how could I not fall for someone who had read more English books than me, who loved cinnamon and smoking, who drove after me the first time we met and gave me that look of "That's my girl". How could I not fall for the one who brought me his open box of cinna tea when he learnt I loved cinna?! How could I not for the one who admired me from the first sight and till now?! How could I not fall the one who shares my dreams, my taste, my heart?!
I know our life will be good, because we really match - you love coconut, and I love cinna. You love coffee, and I love it, too. You are the opposite of me, and the continuation of me at the same time. And we always understand each other. And you soothe me, darling. I said darling, and I remembered how I love when you call me dear or Ann. I don't like when people call me not my full name, but the way you utter A N N, the way your eyes shine, the way your mouth curves, the way your long fingers grasp mines...I am helpless.
I want you to know that from the first day I met you which was end of March 2017, and up to the present day I have been in love with you, I have been under you spell...willingly...happily...gratefully


Perfect for me

When I saw you for the first time I did not dare to look at your face, because even without witnessing I felt you were the perfection for me. I cannot say what I love about you more- maybe that you love speaking with me, maybe the way you raise your eyebrows when I say something you like, maybe the way your eyes shine when I feel what you want, maybe the way we cling between our cars before we go, maybe the way you are so stronger than me and I feel like a baby next to you. Perfection you are, My Man.
There was a moment I mistakenly thought my expectations were too high, people blamed me for that and for over complicating my life, but then you came, and with you nothing is a drama. You are my painkiller and warmth. How I love your physically warm look, your upper lip rolled up as if you were   MunnTing at something all the time. I love your smell - that perfume and your skin. I love your hair grey in both sides and still so damn sexy.
You are so good we are both speechless how we fully smash each other. You are perfect to me. You Are a dream come true. You have no idea how it motivates me to see I motivate you. I want to eat healthy to be slim in your arms, I want to apply creams to be smooth in under your skin. I want to be my better version with you and for you and because of you.
You make me perfect, you, my perfection!


Forgetting the Best

When the relationship hurts, it is a true sign it is real. Love hurts.
After splitting up it was so difficult to move on, live an hour without thinking of you, listen to a song without wanting to share it with you, going to a cafe without wanting to mark it with you, that at some point I got very desperate and thought I would give a year from my life to forget you, not to have met you, not to have developed our story. But now, as I look back, I realize that you make me cry over romantic movies and listen to the lyrics of pathetic songs. I realize that this is mutual. I remember you everywhere I go we have been together. I remember you all the time, you are in my veins, in my lungs, and even if I physically forget you, my heart will always crave for you.
I see you in my dreams these day. and because I know those are just dreams, I wake up in the middle of the night to realize I am with you in my sleep, then go back to sleep again to enjoy, to seize every second shared with you.
I tried really hard to forget you. I wanted it so bad. But even after a long time apart a glimpse of you, a touch of yours, a look of yours es more than enough to fill me up and take me back to life.
It is difficult to forget the best. To me, it is merely impossible.
And though remembering you hurts, I prefer to hurt and love you. Forever. Hopelessly. Truly.


The other half

Unfinished romance. Connection of souls. Nothing matters, though. The feelings are the same. You cannot sleep in the middle of night and you think of the other person. And you dance or drink or eat and accidentally you remember the other half and a mig sadness hat comes sits over you covering even your kidney and liver. And then you just feel like a doll. Stop communicating but remember each other in most awkward moments. The other man. The other secret life. They know the true each other. Loads of looks, little talk. Problems with demons. Unexplained attraction due to unexpressed desires and words. Not forgiving each other. Hoping the other understands the untold. 
There are moments you had, thinks you did, that are too sacred to be repeated. You are even afraid to remember because you are afraid it might hurt your past. And you tell no one about this half, and the secrets you shared.  T
You have spent very little time together, and still, it was so good, so special. And the most important thing is to stop there, leave all as it is.And keep this. For a life. To cry over films and songs.

Got over You or Other people or LP Rules

I was just listening to LP...accidentally...my second favorite lesbian, and remembered I used to dedicate her "Lost on you" to US, when we lost each other. And I caught myself on having got over you, or being nearly there...
I promised to be the True me, and screw You, which I proudly did. You chose it. We both did, but I still prefer to blame you.
I don't have that insane and unexplained need to talk to you, share with you all of me, and bear our drama. About drama...the drama of my life is, that it is completely dramaless now, and hence I came to the conclusion it was you who brought it into my life with your insecurities and fears. And I took them. Eagerly...willingly...consciously...I have always known the worth and true essence of what we were, and you will get it one day maybe...though I really can't care about it less.
And now other people fill me up. Another guy hugged me from behind and bit my shoulder yesterday. The day before, he came to Yerevan, and saw me second thing in the morning, and we smoked together some sort of cigarettes you like and which is not available here. What a coincidence he brought that exact thing, right!?
He fills my car trunk, and we drive around. He puts me songs via the car bluetooth and looks at me when I drive and focus on the road. He texts me all the time, he calls me first thing in the morning, and he also has this special relationship with my right hand middle finger;-) ..well, mostly attacking it when I show him the fuck gesture...We share dirty jokes, and have secret codes. We even have our song! Now he criticises my looks and eating habits..He closes his eyes before he kisses my cheeks. He even kisses my hands..in public.  He steals my food when we eat out. We talk at nights. But I still don't give this all a fabulous thing. I don't think I will end up with him, but I think I will be forever grateful to him for taking my Drama out of my shoulders (even if at the cost of leaving them with bruises).
When he goes back home, I will visit him, and hopefully we will have some good fun, and I will let him and other other people help me get over you. And I will be happy...especially when I know I have done my best with you, for you, about you, around you.
I understand and feel LP's songs so closely, but I don't question if all was lost on you...Let's raise our glass or two...I am proud of my experiences, but given the chance, I doubt I will choose to get over you, I'll choose not to get into you in the first place, for whatever cost it had been. In the Muddy water we were crawling.



expectations are good
You live for something. Something can make you happy, satisfied, good. Expectations make you wake up in the morning, expectations make you go to gym or parties. Expectations are good, very good, unless they are connected with the people in your life.



Tou came into my life to make me strong and fragile, dreamy and realistic. You came to show me I was incomplete. You came to make me cry on every creepy song and movie scene. You came to fill me up and empty. You came to make me the happiest in your presence and the most desperate in your absence. You came to make us suffer. You came to make us grow up. You came to put wrinkles on my forehead and gray my fringe hair.
And now you are fine for the zillion time.
And I am not even sure I want us to let go of each other actually. Because knowing you exist makes my lungs and hurt function. The world where you exist is already worth living.