Don't you dare

There were people in my life who decided they did not want to stay long. Well, maybe I made the verdict for some of them.
It is difficult only for the first ten days. And then you stop wanting to share your life with them- humans are super selfish: they easily stop caring as they see the other party has given up on them.
The funny incident was coming across one person I used to be quite friends with who appeared one day saying my jokes are too "open" and she is not eager to keep the friendship with me. And I was like "OK, pervert". Honestly, I am so sure pervert are those who have a phobia from "open words and jokes and all".
Well, it did take me a while to pass through the coma of splitting up. And then, after 13 years of not dealing with her pervert friend, this lady happened to meet me at a hangout. She not only came and stood in front of me for some time giving me the chance to tell another pervert hello, but started her welcome by fighting with me, saying ...literary " What the hack are you  not dropping a hello to me? Don't you recognize me?" And I was like "Don't you dare, darling" which sounded in the form of " Oh, Are you ***?, I did not see you". (I really had not noticed and consequently recognized her, truth be told)
And this is it. Well, I smiled at her a couple of times during the day, since I had no probability of avoiding meetups. Still, I had zero feelings and emotions towards her.
And she is not alone.
I have some many great frenemies like that.
Why on Earth should people think that after sharing some life together and then being given a hard kick on (not the bottom) head we should fall into them whenever we come across, especially when more than a day has passed since the "happy incident of being sent far" happened.
Never do I cherish a wish to be rude or something, but well you all, deciding to come back into my life for #Godknowswhythislate, I have nothing more than a smile and honest wish of happiness for you. The farther the better. The broken parts never come back again. Don't you dare.

On some Faces of Intimacy

Intimacy stays. Always. Sometimes.
Today after not seeing him for some year and a half I happened to come across My Mirror Man . Well, we are constantly communicating on phone and skype, but seeing him face to face was still sort of a shock to us both. The interesting feeling was that of safety and comfort I do believe we both had, especially after seeing off the people accompanying us. Intimacy is when we look into each other's eyes for quite a long time and still feel so comfortable. Through all said and unsaid, we managed to keep it, yet none of us paying some attention to it. The look of endless devotion and straightforwardness was in our eyes. I just felt so intimate for a moment. It even scared me. His hugs so tight, and smile so only mine. For a moment it seemed to me we were back in time. Yet, it is gone.  The conclusion is that two people manage to keep intimacy of being absolutely themselves with each other, even when they break up. Probably, this gives me hope our relationship was and is based on honesty and true love.
Another moment of endless intimacy pampered me when I caught myself on sparing naughty jokes and personal care issue talks with my best friend of opposite gender. The fact we are not the same sex does make our relationship quite complicated and difficult to keep stressless, still I feel there is an ocean of intimacy between us which allows us being what we are. The conclusion is once two people commit to cherish a normal, devoted and supportive friendship, even with some skeletons in both cupboards, it is manageable to reach a very high level of intimacy.
Some unexpected intimacy stroke my father and me last evening, when ending up the second bottle of super expensive and highly appreciated wine he decided I am the only one to know all his life secrets. Not having a properly settled relationship we managed to set up the ultimate level of intimacy a father and a daughter are capable of achieving. Conclusion is blood line and genetic information push intimacy set up far better than millions of shared days.
Some intimate relationships also end up. Like the one I had with my former life and not only life teacher, with who we technically went through shitty stuff, and then, one day I found myself feeling nothing towards this person. Intimacy was not just shattered, it vanished. Conclusion is that intimacy can disappear once the relationship is endangered, not looked after and left to the fate's will.
Intimacy has many faces. Whoever gives us the chills and safety and love and tears, the important thing is

to seize the moment and enjoy the true connection with the person who has opened the door for you to appreciate, and never spare his or her valuable intimacy.

OnAir InAir

I adore how the plane takes off. Right now: it is happening. Trembling legs, ears get stuffed and heart goes up to the sky. I am an absolutely air zodiac sign (#proudtobegemini)- how I love the air and wind and planes and flights and even the turbulence zones. Do I need to mention the two-hour love affairs with occasional handsomeness!?

Taking an average of 6 planes per year is sort of a habit now. And I absolutely love this habit. I even sort of anticipate them.

It makes me reboot. It helps me get on with all.

This amazing smell of fresh sandwiches and soap. This perfect lonesomeness of a whole 200 people in the air- and yes, the nice view. People trying to get busy so that the flight passes unnoticeably boring. The beautiful flight attendants trying to please us and make us buy the expensive stuff with their charming smiles.

I always read in the plane. I always read.

Gone to read. Get some flights.

Ok. I lied. I am in my thoughts still. I have always cherished the fantasy to make an acquaintance with #myman on the plane. So that we could talk and talk (that is all about me). Well, hopefully this will happen.

Some important events in my life are connected with planes and airports. I need to overcome them all. All the truth and my fantasy. All the love and break ups ever had.Every travel had a different man I missed. This does not necessarily imply I have had , oh my God, about ten men. They did not need to be boyfriends to be missed and loved. They were and are just my muses. This one is not an exception.

 With years I have become more sensitive- more lovable, more appreciative, more caring, more bitchy( though I quite professionally conceal this). Loving less, caring more. Better said, less theory, more practice (hope, this does not sound too pervert).

I also love watching the people-the sleepers and the frightened, the tired and the readers. The readers, like my mom, well, yeah, and me.

On letting go

People come and people go,
What's the sense I'll never know.
No illusions, no despair.
You ain't mine, like I ain't yours.

People hate and people love,
Envy, jealousy and all.
Simple steps to make you shine-
You are happy, luck is mine.

Hold me close, then let me go,
Make me feel your love through all,
Arms enclosed, your heart wide open
I am sure, my eyes wide closed.

Touch is more than words do say.
Noone cares when time to pray.
You were mine, and I was yours.
Noone's others, let us go.

Thanks for all- the good, the bad,
The crazy talks and endless laughs.
Recall me once or twice or always
Keep my image in your head.

Don't get now angry, have no regrets,
Just get the message I wanna send-
Letting go is the best I can love,
Your happiness is above my control.

Չորացած տերևների մասին

Էս վերջերս սկսել եմ մեր տան բույսերը խնամել. ջրում եմ, սիրում եմ: Էսօր էլ բռնեցի ու չորացած տերևները մաքրեցի, հողի հետ խաղացի:

Պարզվեց, որ չորացած տերևների տակ փոքրիկ տերևներ ու ծիլեր կային: Մի քանիսն արդեն չորացել էին, քանի որ օդ, լույս ու հող չէին ստացել. էն չորերը ճամփեն փակել էին: Բայց հիմա, երբ մաքրեցի, մի տեսակ հպարտ դուրս եկան ու տեղավորվեցին:

Չոկոյենք էլ են սիրում տերևները մաքրել: Ուղղակի իրանք չորերը չեն սիրում: Սարթերն են սիրում: Դե մաքրելը որն ա? Ուտում են: Հող են ուտում: Խաղում են: Տերևների հետ խոսում են: Որ ասում եմ՝ խելոք տպեր են:

Էսօր ուրիշ չոր տերևներ էլ էի մաքրում: Դրանց հետ Չոկոյենք գործ չունեն: Իրանք շատ չեն հասկանում, թե տուն ով եկավ կամ ով գնաց: Կամ միգուցե հասկանում են: Չգիտեմ:

Չորացած տերևները մաքրելը լավ բան դուրս եկավ: Մեկումեջ սարթերն էլ խոնավ շորով սրբեցի, որ փոշին մաքրվի:

Չէ, բույսերից չէի խոսում: Փիլիսոփայում էի: Բայց ոչինչ չէի հնարել:

Slow down

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 No resolutions, no plans, no commitments. Living high and free. Not hurrying. Not wasting.
We need to slow down sometimes. We need to slow down and see the little things in our and others' lives- notice the intonations, gestures, winks, looks. Little things make up the big ones.
When we stop rushing, we feel free. Feeling free is really harmonic. You feel like the master of your own life, you simply have time to focus on things. Focusing on one task is far more productive than non focusing on several ones. Time managements is not about running multi-tasking for days, it is about successfully and productively completing the important tasks. Prioritizing matters.

Authentic relationships

I am not afraid to tell people I love them. I am not afraid of losing them.  I am not afraid they will take me for granted. I am not afraid of loving people.

All the disappointments and relationship falsifications I have faced in my life made me believe in true devotions, true love, true friendship.

I have no friends, I have a lot of them. I have never loved a man, I have loved a couple though. We never know what we had till we lose it.

All of you know that not a single person in my life is just a passing by one. I love all of them, and believe me or no, it always comes back to me. I take everyone as special ones, and they take me as such, too. Am I happy about this? I was. Recently, I have been thinking about becoming regular,  taking things regular, noticing the regular. Easier said than done. You are either capable of this or no. I am not the first one.

I hat passing the streets in the memories of people I have lost. One part of Mashtots avenue holds memories of my last job, the other part of it keeps the home of a special one to me. Abovyan street holds memories of my first date, Moskovyan street witnessed my 10 years of schools. I love walking in those territories and  paying my respects silently and conveying my warm hellos to my past experiences.

Similarly, I pay my respects and credits to the people who taught me to appreciate authentic relationships. 

A relationship is authentic when there is love. I might sound (read) crappy, but I do believe in all these stuff, since there is a lot of similar in my life.

People and relationships that make me type this are not simply noticed by me, they are appreciated and cherished.

When I was younger, I was afraid of losing people. I was afraid of giving too much of me.

When I realised no one owes me, and I owe no one, I became stronger.

I see the difference between authentic and almost-authentic. I do not need to mention it all the time. Who feels, does. Who does not, does not need.