It hurts - unpublished

It hurts to love you. It hurts to be loved by you. It hurts to see you jealous and miss. It hurts to be jealous and miss you. I miss you every moment, even when you are around, because even when you arenext to me, you are not with me the we I want it. It hurts to see you being attracted to, meeting, even talking about anothe female. I am insanely jealous. Ready to zip your mouth and tie your hands and make you see only me and noone else. It hurts to know we are temporary. It hurts to realise your feelings have not reached the level to make you confident enough to literally come, and get me and you still expect me to make steps which you know I won't. It hurts to know we will never happen.It hurts to know we would be perfect.

գրկեմ քեզ

...Գրկեմ քեզ ու հոտդ առնեմ։ Գրկեմ քեզ ամուր-ամուր ու գլուխս խցկեմ կզակիդ ու կրծքավանդակիդ միջև ու շունչս պահեմ։ Ու ձեռքերս խաչվեն իրար քո թիկունքում, ու ասեմ, որ կարոտել էի, շատ էի կարոտել։ Ասեմ, որ ամենասիրուն քաղաքում ու ամենաշքեղ նավի վրա, ամենագունեղ կտավի դիմաց ու ամենակապույտ ու արևոտ երկնքի տակ միայն քեզ եմ հիշել։ Գրկեմ ու ասեմ։ Ու չվախենամ, որ երես կառնես, քիթդ կցցես ու ինձ պակաս կգնահատես։ Ասեմ ու իմանամ, որ առանց ասելու էլ գիտես, ու որ փոխադարձ ենք։
Գրկեմ գլուխդ ու մազերդ շոյեմ, հետո աչքերդ փակես ու ատամներդ բացես, ու ես արագ շուրթերս վեր ու վար վազեցնեմ՝ մեկ փակ աչքերիդ վրա՝ երանության մեջ թրթռացող թարթիչներիդ ու գոցված կոպերիդ, մեկ բաց բերանիդ ու քամուց չորացած ատամներիդ։ Գրկեմ ու սիրեմ։ Սիրեմ ու հալվեմ։ Փաստորեն սիրելիս սենց են կարոտում։ Գրկեմ քեզ...

Working on Air

My editor has texted me on Viber about a new interview coming. I am excited. Looking forward to morning to sit and work.
My writer has sent me an Email with a new article to proofread. I am counting seconds till I get to my mom's computer to open the document.
I have been waiting for this blessed moment frim 3 A.M. when I went to bed. I am turning the computer on. My coffee smells like heaven. My manicure looks amazing over the keyboard. Chopin plays along. I am in a working extazy. Love my jobs! All of them!

It feels high

To be loved by you forever,
to be touched by only your arms,
Have your breath on my neck and forehead,
be with you no matter what.

To be taken to sky by one look,
to have fingers deep into your hair,
Say hello and good bye, and "I've missed you",
Share your fears, your luck and all else.

You're my past, my present and future,
One and only, I need noone else.
Take me high, sing that song, sigh me in,
I am high, it feels good, it feels great.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Sometimes we are left alone - we have to walk alone, think alone, listen to music alone. This is destined for the one who needs to take her time.
Today I was left alone: neither my mom, nir my friend agreed to walk with me. But I was desparately committed to take the walk. So, I changed my trousers, put on my favourite gray cardigan with  long edges that everyone except forme hates, put my earphones and nleft home.
I had some garbage to dispose of, and with that plastic bag I seemed to pget rid of some of my negative feelings I had accumulated throughout the last year, month, week, day, hours,minutes...whatever..and then I went to the street...and it started to rain, as if the sky wanted to hint me something....something like " I will wash away your worries, darling". And I  allure to quit my wish and go home my earliest possible...and then I thought " A couple of drops of water...what will happen to me? I am not sugarno melt!" So I did not give up. I kept on walking. Walking away. And then my favourite songs followed one another. And when I reached the next block, there was this mystic coincidence of me listening to the song and seeing that really handsome guy walking towards me, looking just like me - with earphones, same mood, same look, same style, same vibes, same colours. He is looking at me, and I am looking at him, and non of us decides to come along and talk. Happens often, right? Two people walk past each other, they like each other, there is this special instant they feel something, and then it is gone -passed. And then I look back, and he looks back at me. I turn, widen my teeth with braces in the sweetest content smile and continue my way. And for some reason I need mire air, and more freedom - so I uncross my hands from around my chest, upen the  cardigan, put hands in p my pockets, and start singing along the songs. The wind plays with my hair, eyes, smile and heart. I got some vibes from that guy, some vibes I might have ususally ignored, but at that very moment I needed him to show me that A random stranger could share that special moment. Somebody who I do not know, and somebody who knows nothing about me and who I will probably ever see again gives me the vibes I beg from everyone, starting from close friends and ending with distant relatives.
And then I go kn walking, listening to Nina Simone and Edith Piaf - the women who are supposed to know what love is, And then I start thinking about love. Did I experience it? Did I really love the three men I think I loved? Was that love. Was that attraction? Connection of souls? Or maybe, how I love to label it, mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship? And then I think of my future? Will I ever be able to love again? Have I loved in the past? How do you know that it is love!?
We read about it. We listen about it in the songs. But who knows what that is!? Is it when you choose that person over anyone? Or is it when you cannot live without talking to that person a single day? Or is it when you want to share the good the bad and everything with him? Which are the boundaries of love? What prerequisites do youneed to have the chance to experience one?
I don't know. But I know I do nto believe in coincidences. Am I a fatalist? I don't think so. Am I religious? Hardly would I be. I am just addicted to astrology and my birth chart prerequisites. But how do the stars design our future? And how can we change anything?
 Is that the guy again! Is this real? I can't feel my legs, I become a big heartheat. There are no coincidences. He is smiling at me, I am smiling at him, we stop as we reach each other. In a few seconds the stranger sends me his first text on my messenger, -Hi! I'd like to join you. Why in English? Coincidence? I don't think so. 

The comfort to know you exist,
The happiness of you being near me,
Your touch and devotion to breathe,
And be an integral of your being.

The love that you give me so strong,
The promise to never let go,
The strength of your arms give me fever,
I adore your eyes deep and warm.

Each cell of my body embraces
The coward you feel at some times,
I love to feel senses you give me
I love You wide smile next to mine.

I experience what I've just read of:
You and Me, so damn real, so eternal.
Every good that is one's is the others,
Every loss we just share and split up.

We are genuine, we are simply intended,
Some partners are really meant to be,
I am yours, like noone's and like never,
We are one, you're my half. Is this real?

Karma

We split up, because I was a child, and made a drama out of a joke. When you wanted to talk, I did not care. Then I wanted to talk, you were broken.
We met again after 5 years. You wanted to talk, I did not care. Now I want to talk, you are broken again.
Why am I never ready for your talks? Why are you never eager to excuse my weakness?