Yours and none's

The strange circle of busy life takes me to a stage of being too busy with routine small tasks that I do not focus on the personal and interpersonal issues I would otherwise prioritize. Well, still, everything does fall in its place and in the long run, people who deserve get all of me. Simply, now it happens so that I automatically edit my people. The ones who really need, appreciate and love me,get all of me, the others get the moral morsel and that is it.
I catch myself on being remoted from things, situations and people I care so much, I am just too busy figuring myself out to figure everyone else out. The drama is that now everyone is happy with me, starting from me.
And I will never understand how it happens so that when I am selfish and self-centered I get more love and appreciation,than when I sacrifice my time and energy and love for the sake of others'.
Noone can lose anyone, since noone belongs to one. Me either.

The city smells like you

I am in the taxi commuting to Yeghegnadzor, and at the crossroad the car has a meeting with the red lights, and I get an uncharted meeting with my memories. The park on the left has the memories of you and me. And I go deep. Usually, my routine takes all my time I might have spent thinking about us otherwise. But now I have nothing else to get me busy. And I fall into the traps of loving you, letting you take care of me, hold my heart, arm and hair. I let you hold my hair knowing well enough that hair is a lady's strength. I willingly let you take my strength from me, since I need none when next to you. You have given me all I needed and more. The songs so ours, the hugs so powerful, the looks so long, the touches so randomly casual, and the time so precious. You are the one next to whom I feel week, who I obey and consider when making decisions. You are the one I count on and you never never let me down. I hope there will be no crossroads again, but, believe it or not, the city has your memories in every secret and public corner of it. And I am so happy about it. When the time comes when there will be no you next to me, and even no me next to you, I will refer to the ity, who has seen our happy moments and who keeps our images on every wall.

Sept. 26th, 2015

The Art of Leaving it

Dozens of articles have warned me about the importance to let go of things I wanted to happen, promising that as soon as I did change the focus of my attention the aimed man would be interested in me in return , the wanted job offer would appear and the detested extra weight would melt away. I used to nod my head and believe in it, feeling determined to follow the advice. Yet, I never actually did.
I have no idea how and when I actually did start, but now I really practice it- I want it, I leave it, I get it, I enjoy it.
Heavens, it rocks! Let this last forever!

On Being Happy

When was that? The day I decided the PHD in the Institute of Language was a waste of time and energy or the day I felt admiration in His eyes or the day my Mom realized I was an adult already or the day I started to avoid telling my personal life to people...but one day I started being happy. It expressed in my unsurpassed energy level-the amount of work I do per day equals the amount my friends do in three..and still I have energy and willingness to do more...I am healthy...I manage everything...
Maybe it was the day I decided to appreciate relationships and work on them till the last straw, when I became happy. Now I easily forgive, and ask for apologies and often simply do not notice stuff...
Maybe it was the day I felt absolute intimacy with my parents, best friends or God...that I started to live fearless..
Maybe it was the day my Astrologist gave me answers to all mt questions that I Became fearlessly happy and started to curve my future knowing that stars know nothing when I live right.
Maybe it was the first time I realized money is nothing when you have noone to spend on...when I started to love money...I am not afraid to confess money does make me happy.
Whatever that was, whenever that was, I pray this feeling to stay forever, because now, typing this after getting up at 6.30, commuting for some 135kms,  teaching for nine consecutive hours with no proper meal,  then at last having the anticipated dinner at my favourite super cheap and tasty cafe In Yeghegnadzor I cometo my apartment, talk to my mom, best friends and some acquaintances, I feel absolute, undivided happiness listening to smooth jazz, eating my fav white sunflower seeds and closing my eyes for the celebration of my happy life.

I want to make a memory

Meet my Expectations

Shakespeare urges us to live with no expectations. The more your expect, the less satisfied in your relationships you appear. But is it really possible not to expect a parent to prepare surprises in return, a partner to call the moment you need him, a friend to be there for you whenever you feel like? Or what is the reason we expect people to behave in a particular way? Is it not selfish? Is it not immoral (wink, wink))?
The drama of my happy self is having too high standards and expectations from people I love. It feels good to console my ego with the idea that I expect from those I give a lot. But to be fair, I expect because I am a weak, silly young lady with a distinct inferiority complex cherished from the childhood of an abandoned by the dad kid. I need people I love to love me in return, to love my like the last day. I do not take into account they have their lives, everyday problems and personal stuff. I do not take this into consideration, because when it comes to me, I give them myself, unconditionally, rain or sun. But do they really need this all? Or do I need it?
This typical pattern in my life of finding a person to synchronize with, to devote myself to the relationship and get fucked up because People do not always have the nerves, time, eagerness to meet my expectations and they should not, actually. And then I piss off and quit. I hate myself for this. This awful moments I weep into the pillow scratching my teeth and listening to my fave songs, and in just four minutes I come back to reality.
Nobody needs to meet your expextations. And if you do something expecting an answer, is that love or lent attitude? Is it not more selfish than actually being arrogant and unresponsive ?
Too many questions...Easier said than done...
I am still going to give my best to any relationship. Feel empty. Give and expect. I cannot live otherwise. I am a fabulous, strong, independent woman who is a little, abandoned, fat kid with this stupid complexes tracing my happy self every now and then.
Please, do not meet my expctations. Let me work on it and grow, let me overcom myself, let me be stronger.

Alpha males vs Alpha females

I have been giving some thoughts to whether it is good to be an Alpha female or no. When talking on this, all my male students expressed their eagerness to assassin their Alpha type partners, and me, being a distinguished one myself.
Some years ago, after being told I was too good and too strong for the presumably #loveofmylife man, I decided to stop being Alpha, to be regular. For him. Oh yes, I tried. I tried a lot. Like being this modest, obedient thing to make males feel powerful and strong, and hack, this really is not the best feeling. The illusion of power. The phantom of obedience. The good Alpha Female rules the situation so the male feels Alpha even when he is not....Damn it. No. The proper Alpha Female does not decrease her expectations to make the man next to her feel good, she just gets the right man next to her and it originally becomes harmonic. The proper man can easily tame an Alpha woman. She will give in willingly. #trustmeiamexperienced.
I am for Alpha women. I believe in a harmonic, almost equal unity of two Alphas in a partnership.
It is not Alpha Male vs Alpha Female. It is Alpha Male feat Alpha Female.
#MyMan #My

Alpha