I have no idea how and when I actually did start, but now I really practice it- I want it, I leave it, I get it, I enjoy it.
Heavens, it rocks! Let this last forever!
29.10.2015
The Art of Leaving it
I have no idea how and when I actually did start, but now I really practice it- I want it, I leave it, I get it, I enjoy it.
Heavens, it rocks! Let this last forever!
19.09.2015
On Being Happy
When was that? The day I decided the PHD in the Institute of Language was a waste of time and energy or the day I felt admiration in His eyes or the day my Mom realized I was an adult already or the day I started to avoid telling my personal life to people...but one day I started being happy. It expressed in my unsurpassed energy level-the amount of work I do per day equals the amount my friends do in three..and still I have energy and willingness to do more...I am healthy...I manage everything...
Maybe it was the day I decided to appreciate relationships and work on them till the last straw, when I became happy. Now I easily forgive, and ask for apologies and often simply do not notice stuff...
Maybe it was the day I felt absolute intimacy with my parents, best friends or God...that I started to live fearless..
Maybe it was the day my Astrologist gave me answers to all mt questions that I Became fearlessly happy and started to curve my future knowing that stars know nothing when I live right.
Maybe it was the first time I realized money is nothing when you have noone to spend on...when I started to love money...I am not afraid to confess money does make me happy.
Whatever that was, whenever that was, I pray this feeling to stay forever, because now, typing this after getting up at 6.30, commuting for some 135kms, teaching for nine consecutive hours with no proper meal, then at last having the anticipated dinner at my favourite super cheap and tasty cafe In Yeghegnadzor I cometo my apartment, talk to my mom, best friends and some acquaintances, I feel absolute, undivided happiness listening to smooth jazz, eating my fav white sunflower seeds and closing my eyes for the celebration of my happy life.
Maybe it was the day I decided to appreciate relationships and work on them till the last straw, when I became happy. Now I easily forgive, and ask for apologies and often simply do not notice stuff...
Maybe it was the day I felt absolute intimacy with my parents, best friends or God...that I started to live fearless..
Maybe it was the day my Astrologist gave me answers to all mt questions that I Became fearlessly happy and started to curve my future knowing that stars know nothing when I live right.
Maybe it was the first time I realized money is nothing when you have noone to spend on...when I started to love money...I am not afraid to confess money does make me happy.
Whatever that was, whenever that was, I pray this feeling to stay forever, because now, typing this after getting up at 6.30, commuting for some 135kms, teaching for nine consecutive hours with no proper meal, then at last having the anticipated dinner at my favourite super cheap and tasty cafe In Yeghegnadzor I cometo my apartment, talk to my mom, best friends and some acquaintances, I feel absolute, undivided happiness listening to smooth jazz, eating my fav white sunflower seeds and closing my eyes for the celebration of my happy life.
25.08.2015
Meet my Expectations
Shakespeare urges us to live with no expectations. The more your expect, the less satisfied in your relationships you appear. But is it really possible not to expect a parent to prepare surprises in return, a partner to call the moment you need him, a friend to be there for you whenever you feel like? Or what is the reason we expect people to behave in a particular way? Is it not selfish? Is it not immoral (wink, wink))?
The drama of my happy self is having too high standards and expectations from people I love. It feels good to console my ego with the idea that I expect from those I give a lot. But to be fair, I expect because I am a weak, silly young lady with a distinct inferiority complex cherished from the childhood of an abandoned by the dad kid. I need people I love to love me in return, to love my like the last day. I do not take into account they have their lives, everyday problems and personal stuff. I do not take this into consideration, because when it comes to me, I give them myself, unconditionally, rain or sun. But do they really need this all? Or do I need it?
This typical pattern in my life of finding a person to synchronize with, to devote myself to the relationship and get fucked up because People do not always have the nerves, time, eagerness to meet my expectations and they should not, actually. And then I piss off and quit. I hate myself for this. This awful moments I weep into the pillow scratching my teeth and listening to my fave songs, and in just four minutes I come back to reality.
Nobody needs to meet your expextations. And if you do something expecting an answer, is that love or lent attitude? Is it not more selfish than actually being arrogant and unresponsive ?
Too many questions...Easier said than done...
I am still going to give my best to any relationship. Feel empty. Give and expect. I cannot live otherwise. I am a fabulous, strong, independent woman who is a little, abandoned, fat kid with this stupid complexes tracing my happy self every now and then.
Please, do not meet my expctations. Let me work on it and grow, let me overcom myself, let me be stronger.
The drama of my happy self is having too high standards and expectations from people I love. It feels good to console my ego with the idea that I expect from those I give a lot. But to be fair, I expect because I am a weak, silly young lady with a distinct inferiority complex cherished from the childhood of an abandoned by the dad kid. I need people I love to love me in return, to love my like the last day. I do not take into account they have their lives, everyday problems and personal stuff. I do not take this into consideration, because when it comes to me, I give them myself, unconditionally, rain or sun. But do they really need this all? Or do I need it?
This typical pattern in my life of finding a person to synchronize with, to devote myself to the relationship and get fucked up because People do not always have the nerves, time, eagerness to meet my expectations and they should not, actually. And then I piss off and quit. I hate myself for this. This awful moments I weep into the pillow scratching my teeth and listening to my fave songs, and in just four minutes I come back to reality.
Nobody needs to meet your expextations. And if you do something expecting an answer, is that love or lent attitude? Is it not more selfish than actually being arrogant and unresponsive ?
Too many questions...Easier said than done...
I am still going to give my best to any relationship. Feel empty. Give and expect. I cannot live otherwise. I am a fabulous, strong, independent woman who is a little, abandoned, fat kid with this stupid complexes tracing my happy self every now and then.
Please, do not meet my expctations. Let me work on it and grow, let me overcom myself, let me be stronger.
Alpha males vs Alpha females
I have been giving some thoughts to whether it is good to be an Alpha female or no. When talking on this, all my male students expressed their eagerness to assassin their Alpha type partners, and me, being a distinguished one myself.
Some years ago, after being told I was too good and too strong for the presumably #loveofmylife man, I decided to stop being Alpha, to be regular. For him. Oh yes, I tried. I tried a lot. Like being this modest, obedient thing to make males feel powerful and strong, and hack, this really is not the best feeling. The illusion of power. The phantom of obedience. The good Alpha Female rules the situation so the male feels Alpha even when he is not....Damn it. No. The proper Alpha Female does not decrease her expectations to make the man next to her feel good, she just gets the right man next to her and it originally becomes harmonic. The proper man can easily tame an Alpha woman. She will give in willingly. #trustmeiamexperienced.
I am for Alpha women. I believe in a harmonic, almost equal unity of two Alphas in a partnership.
It is not Alpha Male vs Alpha Female. It is Alpha Male feat Alpha Female.
#MyMan #My
Some years ago, after being told I was too good and too strong for the presumably #loveofmylife man, I decided to stop being Alpha, to be regular. For him. Oh yes, I tried. I tried a lot. Like being this modest, obedient thing to make males feel powerful and strong, and hack, this really is not the best feeling. The illusion of power. The phantom of obedience. The good Alpha Female rules the situation so the male feels Alpha even when he is not....Damn it. No. The proper Alpha Female does not decrease her expectations to make the man next to her feel good, she just gets the right man next to her and it originally becomes harmonic. The proper man can easily tame an Alpha woman. She will give in willingly. #trustmeiamexperienced.
I am for Alpha women. I believe in a harmonic, almost equal unity of two Alphas in a partnership.
It is not Alpha Male vs Alpha Female. It is Alpha Male feat Alpha Female.
#MyMan #My
18.08.2015
Don't you dare
There were people in my life who decided they did not want to stay long. Well, maybe I made the verdict for some of them.
It is difficult only for the first ten days. And then you stop wanting to share your life with them- humans are super selfish: they easily stop caring as they see the other party has given up on them.
The funny incident was coming across one person I used to be quite friends with who appeared one day saying my jokes are too "open" and she is not eager to keep the friendship with me. And I was like "OK, pervert". Honestly, I am so sure pervert are those who have a phobia from "open words and jokes and all".
Well, it did take me a while to pass through the coma of splitting up. And then, after 13 years of not dealing with her pervert friend, this lady happened to meet me at a hangout. She not only came and stood in front of me for some time giving me the chance to tell another pervert hello, but started her welcome by fighting with me, saying ...literary " What the hack are you not dropping a hello to me? Don't you recognize me?" And I was like "Don't you dare, darling" which sounded in the form of " Oh, Are you ***?, I did not see you". (I really had not noticed and consequently recognized her, truth be told)
And this is it. Well, I smiled at her a couple of times during the day, since I had no probability of avoiding meetups. Still, I had zero feelings and emotions towards her.
And she is not alone.
I have some many great frenemies like that.
Why on Earth should people think that after sharing some life together and then being given a hard kick on (not the bottom) head we should fall into them whenever we come across, especially when more than a day has passed since the "happy incident of being sent far" happened.
Never do I cherish a wish to be rude or something, but well you all, deciding to come back into my life for #Godknowswhythislate, I have nothing more than a smile and honest wish of happiness for you. The farther the better. The broken parts never come back again. Don't you dare.
It is difficult only for the first ten days. And then you stop wanting to share your life with them- humans are super selfish: they easily stop caring as they see the other party has given up on them.
The funny incident was coming across one person I used to be quite friends with who appeared one day saying my jokes are too "open" and she is not eager to keep the friendship with me. And I was like "OK, pervert". Honestly, I am so sure pervert are those who have a phobia from "open words and jokes and all".
Well, it did take me a while to pass through the coma of splitting up. And then, after 13 years of not dealing with her pervert friend, this lady happened to meet me at a hangout. She not only came and stood in front of me for some time giving me the chance to tell another pervert hello, but started her welcome by fighting with me, saying ...literary " What the hack are you not dropping a hello to me? Don't you recognize me?" And I was like "Don't you dare, darling" which sounded in the form of " Oh, Are you ***?, I did not see you". (I really had not noticed and consequently recognized her, truth be told)
And this is it. Well, I smiled at her a couple of times during the day, since I had no probability of avoiding meetups. Still, I had zero feelings and emotions towards her.
And she is not alone.
I have some many great frenemies like that.
Why on Earth should people think that after sharing some life together and then being given a hard kick on (not the bottom) head we should fall into them whenever we come across, especially when more than a day has passed since the "happy incident of being sent far" happened.
Never do I cherish a wish to be rude or something, but well you all, deciding to come back into my life for #Godknowswhythislate, I have nothing more than a smile and honest wish of happiness for you. The farther the better. The broken parts never come back again. Don't you dare.
13.08.2015
On some Faces of Intimacy
Intimacy stays. Always. Sometimes.
Today after not seeing him for some year and a half I happened to come across My Mirror Man . Well, we are constantly communicating on phone and skype, but seeing him face to face was still sort of a shock to us both. The interesting feeling was that of safety and comfort I do believe we both had, especially after seeing off the people accompanying us. Intimacy is when we look into each other's eyes for quite a long time and still feel so comfortable. Through all said and unsaid, we managed to keep it, yet none of us paying some attention to it. The look of endless devotion and straightforwardness was in our eyes. I just felt so intimate for a moment. It even scared me. His hugs so tight, and smile so only mine. For a moment it seemed to me we were back in time. Yet, it is gone. The conclusion is that two people manage to keep intimacy of being absolutely themselves with each other, even when they break up. Probably, this gives me hope our relationship was and is based on honesty and true love.
Another moment of endless intimacy pampered me when I caught myself on sparing naughty jokes and personal care issue talks with my best friend of opposite gender. The fact we are not the same sex does make our relationship quite complicated and difficult to keep stressless, still I feel there is an ocean of intimacy between us which allows us being what we are. The conclusion is once two people commit to cherish a normal, devoted and supportive friendship, even with some skeletons in both cupboards, it is manageable to reach a very high level of intimacy.
Some unexpected intimacy stroke my father and me last evening, when ending up the second bottle of super expensive and highly appreciated wine he decided I am the only one to know all his life secrets. Not having a properly settled relationship we managed to set up the ultimate level of intimacy a father and a daughter are capable of achieving. Conclusion is blood line and genetic information push intimacy set up far better than millions of shared days.
Some intimate relationships also end up. Like the one I had with my former life and not only life teacher, with who we technically went through shitty stuff, and then, one day I found myself feeling nothing towards this person. Intimacy was not just shattered, it vanished. Conclusion is that intimacy can disappear once the relationship is endangered, not looked after and left to the fate's will.
Intimacy has many faces. Whoever gives us the chills and safety and love and tears, the important thing is
to seize the moment and enjoy the true connection with the person who has opened the door for you to appreciate, and never spare his or her valuable intimacy.
Today after not seeing him for some year and a half I happened to come across My Mirror Man . Well, we are constantly communicating on phone and skype, but seeing him face to face was still sort of a shock to us both. The interesting feeling was that of safety and comfort I do believe we both had, especially after seeing off the people accompanying us. Intimacy is when we look into each other's eyes for quite a long time and still feel so comfortable. Through all said and unsaid, we managed to keep it, yet none of us paying some attention to it. The look of endless devotion and straightforwardness was in our eyes. I just felt so intimate for a moment. It even scared me. His hugs so tight, and smile so only mine. For a moment it seemed to me we were back in time. Yet, it is gone. The conclusion is that two people manage to keep intimacy of being absolutely themselves with each other, even when they break up. Probably, this gives me hope our relationship was and is based on honesty and true love.
Another moment of endless intimacy pampered me when I caught myself on sparing naughty jokes and personal care issue talks with my best friend of opposite gender. The fact we are not the same sex does make our relationship quite complicated and difficult to keep stressless, still I feel there is an ocean of intimacy between us which allows us being what we are. The conclusion is once two people commit to cherish a normal, devoted and supportive friendship, even with some skeletons in both cupboards, it is manageable to reach a very high level of intimacy.
Some unexpected intimacy stroke my father and me last evening, when ending up the second bottle of super expensive and highly appreciated wine he decided I am the only one to know all his life secrets. Not having a properly settled relationship we managed to set up the ultimate level of intimacy a father and a daughter are capable of achieving. Conclusion is blood line and genetic information push intimacy set up far better than millions of shared days.
Some intimate relationships also end up. Like the one I had with my former life and not only life teacher, with who we technically went through shitty stuff, and then, one day I found myself feeling nothing towards this person. Intimacy was not just shattered, it vanished. Conclusion is that intimacy can disappear once the relationship is endangered, not looked after and left to the fate's will.
Intimacy has many faces. Whoever gives us the chills and safety and love and tears, the important thing is
to seize the moment and enjoy the true connection with the person who has opened the door for you to appreciate, and never spare his or her valuable intimacy.
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