Open thy heart

I have been high maintenance for thirthy- three years. I always expected people to match my standards - be optimistic, have good manners, be honest, have dignity, be punctual, be literate and well-educated, know English (wink, wink), know the difference between green tea and black tea (fermentation degree), be a respectful driver (not jumping in front of me unannounced) - the list is virtually endless- and what I ended up with was OCD and rolled eyes every time someone didn't match my high expectations. And then something cracked. Was it during psycholoigical therapy? Was it at astrological lessons? Not sure. But what came out of that crack was totally new to me- authentic empathy and sincere understanding that people all come from their childhood, which does not have to be that good, in fact. People are not illiterate because they chose to. Education was merely not top priority in the families. People do not lie because they want to? It takes a lot of courage and self-wealth to tell the truth at hard times and always. And the vast majority just lacks these qualities or is on the way of developing them. People are not bad drivers out of disrespect. Simply, their anxiety makes them so irritated that road rage is their best friend. For many, driving is the only opportunity to express aggresion. People do not come late to lessons and meetings because they intend to make you wait impatiently. They just can't feel the time very well, allocate it with poor time management skills. We don't blame people with low intellect for being stupid. They are just under-nourished. The same is true for not very kind people. They are under-loved and under-cared for. It was in Mel Robbin's recent podcast that I was reminded about the power of opening one's heart. And guess what? Opening one's heart quickly makes one's heart more loveable and appreciated and cherished. And incidentally, people started to be punctual, and everyone arround me accidentally seems to have a lot of patience and appreciation. I also admitted to myself and one student that quitting relationships of various types was my escape from the fear of being hurt. Let me hurt first, so that I am not hurt. But then it stroke me that quitting is easy, staying is hard. And in order to stay all I needed to do was ... to open my heaert!

Even when pain is mandatory, suffering is optional

Many changes come as painful - extracting the useless tooth before placing an implant, letting go of childhood traumas when remembering things you thought you had forgotten, finding out your parent has cancer, losing relationships close to your heart, you name it... It's not even a matter of being a pessimist or an optimist. Its more about taking control over your life, your pain, your lessons. It does not really have to be suffering, even if it is painful. I am introducing the idea of sweet pain - the relieving pain. It relieves of the ambiguity, ignorance, carelessness. Pain is not always bad. Pain is a growth trampline. With every jump, the leap is bigger. The bigger the leap- the farther the landing. The more painful the experience, the bigger the achievement. It's up to us to choose suffering, or to opt out. Suffering is optional. I understand that there are critical situations when poeople are too deep under suffering to be able to ponder on whether that was optional. And yet, once we are on the level of "everything happens for a reason" and "everything's a lesson", even suffering is acceptable and sometimes even desirable. Let alone, sufferings in childbirth...

Feeling ashamed for someone else's guilt

People have different value systems and different upbringing. What is unaccetpable for one person may be a norm for the otehr one. But there are some occurences when the one person "misbehaves", cheats, undervalues, does something "immoral" and upon realizing this it is us that feel ashamed for the situation. Imagine, you find out your partner lied to you and instead of telling the person they behave like shit, you feel shameful for their low morals and try to "cover" their wrongdoing by justifying their deed. This is especially hard to accept and commonly practiced in extended family bonds. Well, I am sharing my first-hand experience here. And it has happened in my relationship with the same family member throughout years. And I FEEL VERY SAD. Sad for having believed we shared the same value system when in fact we hadn't. That is eye-opening. Hopefully, I will learn my lesson from the seoncd time ;-)

How is it possible to evade a person who was the whole universe just a little while ago? How is it possible to feel nothing towards the person one used to call "Love of my Lives"? Well, it is possible. Several years ago, we were sitting on the warm sand at the beach of Lloret de Mar, when quite experienced in life and love H.A. told me that I may easily love one person all my life, but then form a family with a completely different person. I was young and naive, so I thought it was merely impossible, to say the least. Then it happened. He happened. At the most unexpected time and place. He just happened. He came into my life to show me what I always dreamt of was attainable, he came to prove my expectations ain't too high, he came to ruin me, like a big wave, he washed voer my past and present, fucked up my future. It's been five full years ever since. It's been a while since we met or talked...but still, every time I see a romantic movie or listen to a cheesy song it's Him I recall. And then the pain rolls up in my throat, i have to take a deep sign in the middle of nothing, to exhile His name. I don't think my body cells will ever forget his touch, I don't think my nose will feel any other scent to sharp, I don't imagine a person who will understand and control me so masterfully, and yet, I will form my family and live with a man all my life, who won't be Him. I'll be happy, for sure, and with time love will come, a more mature love, a reasonable love...but when I watch true passion in movies and hear deep love in music, it's Him I'll remember. I have learnt to dance without Him, like he has, most probably, learnt to dance with no Me. Will I ever get over Him? Will I ever be able to talk about His phase in my life without tears. Why is it so for everyone? Why do we meet the one and only for it to never happen? Why is ever after not like in the movies? Maybe one day, hopefully one day, it will let go...but not yet, not yet!

Games people opt not to play

My close friend of eleven years visited me yesterday. She had bought for me an avocado, a chicken breast, some fruits and berries, and a small pack of our favorite chocolate. Another close friend of five years visited me two days ago, and she had brought me fruits and berries. But friend would usually go with chocolate bars and pastries, no? As I asked Lilit to unload her purchases into the fridge since I was busy making breakfast for us (fried eggs,nothign fancy FYI) I figured out how intimate we had become that she knows bringing chicken breast for a friend with eating disorders struggling with her hormone imbalances is quite appropriate, and moreover, welcome! As we were sitting and discussing our improbable relationship having grown into something truly intimate we realized that the secret was our decision to quit playing games with one another. What I mean is, that unlike most social intercourses, we had come to the verdict that being our true selves, sharing our vulnerabilities openly, discussing our childhood traumas has made it possible for us to never be hurt or bored, always anticipate meetings with each other, accept each other the way we truly are, not the way we would liek to be. All people, being bitches craving for attention....ok....let me rephrase....most people, being attention whores, need to play their social role in a way that attracts attention and praise, admiration and approval of the society. Why? Probably, childhood traumas, as I love to joke (semi-joke). Our unfulfilled desires for approval follow us thoughout all the span of our life, they reflect in every small act - our manners, our looks, the words we choose - they all define our "true" inner kids, and to what extent, if so, have we healed ourselves. My cousins, their relationship with one another and their attitude towards me are my favorite observation platforms. We come from more or less similar upbringing, and I have ibserved them for the last thirty-three years, so it is realtively easier for me to delve into their games and insecurities. Of course, I don't forget to start with myself every time I decide to go further into games people play, and I see how smoothly and easily I opt not to impress people as I paralelly cure my wounds. I was watching a video about a social experiment yesterday. The essence of the trial was as follows; they had proffered customers the same cosmetic item to buy put in two different- a more fancy and a more basic- bottle. The scientists had also tracked down the confidence levels of the people choosing one over the other. What they had found out was that the groups of people who had gone for a fancier package showed les confidence levels. What do I want to say? The less insecure I become, the less social games I opt to play and the clsoer I get to my true self, which is neither the body, nor the heart I currently use, but something more, something bigger, something universally long-lasting and valuable through venturies, if not millenia...

Rest well to work well

Sometimes we are greedy...Sometiems we are needy...Sometimes we just have low spirits. Spirits so low tht we forget how importnt it is not to overuse our energy. We think we can go on, but then, at the least expected moment, we may just find ourselves completely wrecked, totally exhausted or desparately lost. The importance of regular breaks can hardly be exxaggerated. If you ask me, we need a week of rest every season to be able to perform our responsibilities with diligence and care.

It's all about relationships

 I don't mean it's not important how much you have on your accounts, or what make is your car. Comfort is a pleasant luxury option, but those things make your body feel good. What makes your soul feel truly happy is the sense, not words, the sense of being in right relationships - at home, at work, with friends, with yourself. This is what truly matters. At the end of the day, you need the car to drive your beloved ones around, you need the phone to use it in communicating with your people. Even a bread and cheese breakfast with your true friend will make you feel much happier than a fancy dining with five courses in a suit-and-tie haute couture restaurant. 

The relationships where there's no "balance", but each of you tries to do yet something more for the other one- buy their favorite food, order their favorite flowers, remember their favorite colors and smells. And never count how much is spent, but rather how much is felt.

Happiness is in relationships, indeed. The feeling of your close friend dealing with your mood swings, or the patience you find in yourself when your people do drama. This is a detector of who is ours and who is not. I guess if we have nerves for each other, this is true relationship. 

It's not about "let go, and if they don't come back, they aren't your people". It's more about, " if you truly can let go, then do let go", because we don't want, we aren't ready to cope, we aren't capable of letting go of our people. Because we love them, and us with them. Period.